The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) The One
Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen (Note: The
previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy
I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's
gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be
nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a
date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm
standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do,
everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at
Chandler: Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it, a nd it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my
throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Ross: I'll be fine,
alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night,
they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that
hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have
grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might
here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,
everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,
this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits
back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting
for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour
before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was
looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it
hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I
doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where
to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I
knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters)
Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have
whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two
women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe: If I let go of
my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be
wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe,
shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna
shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I
to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe
I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try
to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-
with mittens... La la la la... something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,
you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,
Monica: Oh God, is it
6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out?
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll
just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change! Okay,
sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Joey: Here's a little tip, she
really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again
it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as
summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little
guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Chandler: I would have to
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're
gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil
all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I
mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now,
he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers, say her-
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
the watch. <