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Friends - 1x01 - It All Began

By Suzanne Morales,2015-01-20 08:20
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Friends - 1x01 - It All Began

     The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) The One

    Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane

    Transcribed by: guineapig

    Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen (Note: The

    previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy

    I work with!

    Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's

    gotta be something wrong with him!

    Chandler: All right Joey, be

    nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

    (They all stare, bemused.)

    Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through

    what I went through with Carl- oh!

    Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a

    date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

    [Time Lapse]

    Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm

    standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

    Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a

    phone... there.

    Joey: Instead of...?

    Chandler: That's right.

    Joey: Never had that dream.

    Phoebe: No.

    Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do,

    everybody starts looking at me.

    Monica: And they weren't looking at

    you before?!

    Chandler: Finally, I figure

    I'd better answer it, a nd it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

    Ross: (mortified) Hi.

    Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

    Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

    Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my

    throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my

    neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

    Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

    Joey: Ohh.

    Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks.

    Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

    Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

    Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!

    Ross: I'll be fine,

    alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't.

    Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night,

    they seemed to take it pretty well.

    Monica: Oh really, so that

    hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have

    grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?

    Ross: Sorry.

    Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

    (Ross gestures his consent.)

    Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

    Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

    (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

    Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

    Monica: Rachel?!

    Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might

    be

    here and you are, you are!

    Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

    Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,

    everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,

    this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!

    Ross: Hi.

    (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits

    back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

    Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting

    for four wet bridesmaids?

    Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour

    before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was

    looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-

    (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned

    on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it

    hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I

    doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where

    to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I

    knew who lived here in the city.

    Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

    Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an

    issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV

    and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

    Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big

    pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

    Chandler: (imitating the characters)

    Tuna or egg salad? Decide!

    Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have

    whatever Christine is having.

    Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry

    him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

    (The scene on TV has changed to show two

    women, one is holding her hair.)

    Phoebe: If I let go of

    my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be

    wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

    (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's

    like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe,

    you're a

    shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna

    be a

    shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I

    want you

    to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

    Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll

    just stay here with Monica.

    Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's

    staying here with Monica...

    Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe

    I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try

    to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and

    kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-

    something

    with mittens... La la la la... something and noodles with string. These are a few...

    Rachel: I'm all better now.

    Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to

    Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

    Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,

    y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.

    Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,

    you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a

    lot.

    Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding

    day!

    Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

    (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

    Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a

    horrible sound.

    Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,

    it's Paul.

    Monica: Oh God, is it

6:30? Buzz him in!

    Joey: Who's Paul?

    Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

    Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out?

    Monica: Yes!

    Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

    Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

    Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

    Monica: (horrified) Really?

    Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

    Phoebe: What does that mean?

    Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

    (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

    All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

    Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

    Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll

    just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering?

    Monica: Change! Okay,

    sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

    Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

    (Monica goes to change.)

    Joey: Hey, Paul!

    Paul: Yeah?

    Joey: Here's a little tip, she

    really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again

    until

    it starts to get a little red.

    Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)

    Shut up, Joey!

    Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

    Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

    Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big

    lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are

    coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited

    about it.

    Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just

    gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure.

    Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

    Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

    Commercial Break

    [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for

    change.]

    Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as

    summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your

    love...is

    like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some

    change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

    Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm

    supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little

    worm

    guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my

    legs.

    (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling

    the bookcase.)

    Joey: I'm thinking we've got a

    bookcase here.

    Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

    Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

    Chandler: I would have to

    say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

    Joey: Which goes where?

    Chandler: I have no

    idea.

    (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

    Joey: Done with the bookcase!

    Chandler: All finished!

    Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was

    Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

    Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're

gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

    Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil

    all this fun.

    Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the

    furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

    Ross: You guys.

    Chandler: Oh, God.

    Joey: You got screwed.

    Chandler: Oh my God!

    [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

    Monica: Oh my God!

    Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I

    should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I

    mean, how clean can teeth get?

    Monica: My brother's going through that right now,

    he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

    Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking

    something valuable of hers, say her-

    Monica: -leg?

    Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for

    the watch. <