The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) The One
Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen (Note: The
previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy
I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's
gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be
nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a
date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm
standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do,
everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at
Chandler: Finally, I figure
I'd better answer it, a nd it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my
throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Ross: I'll be fine,
alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night,
they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that
hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have
grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might
here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay,
everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody,
this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits
back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting
for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour
before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was
looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-
(to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned
on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it
hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I
doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where
to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I
knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters)
Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have
whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two
women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe: If I let go of
my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be
wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe,
shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna
shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I
to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe
I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try
to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and-
with mittens... La la la la... something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything,
you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh,
Monica: Oh God, is it
6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out?
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean?
Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll
just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change! Okay,
sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Joey: Here's a little tip, she
really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again
it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom)
Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as
summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your
like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little
guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Chandler: I would have to
say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're
gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil
all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I
mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now,
he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers, say her-
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by
boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love
with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking
and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway... look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and
Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only
26 and I'm divorced!
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler
hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta
understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.
You , however have had the love of a woman for four years.
Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and
that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point! Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's
it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something,
Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing!
Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
you gonna say?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um,
I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually. Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh
God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul: It's okay...
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what
you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci .]
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and
Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean
Joey: Great story! But, I uh,
I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Chandler: Angela's the screamer,
Andrea has cats.
Joey: Right. Thanks.
It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: That is amazing.
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can
make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. Chandler: If can invade Poland,
there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste
coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh
good, Lenny and Squigy are here.
All: Morning. Good morning.
Paul: (entering from Monica's room)
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night
was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in
Monica: We'll talk later.
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio , at the little theater in the park.
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) " Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... "
Joey: You should both know,
that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you
doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?