By Holly Webb,2014-04-15 03:39
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    Remote Control

    1Recently the washington post printed an article explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane.

    2Of course they dont say they want to drive us insane. What they say they want to do is have us live in homes whereall appliances on the internet,sharing informatioonand appliances

    will besmarter than most of their owners.For example,the article states,you could have a home

    where the dishwashercan be turned on from the officeand therefrigeratorknows when its out of

    milkand the bathroom scale transmits your weight to zhe gym.

    3I frankly wonder whether the appliance manufacturers , withall due respect,have benn smoking crack,I mean,did they ever stop to ask themselves why a consumer,after loading a dishwasher,would go to the office to start it? would there be some knd of career benefit?

     YOUR BOSS:what are you doing?

     YOU:Im starting my dishwasher!

     YOUR BOSS:thats the kind of productivity we need around here!

     YOU:Now Im flushing the upstairs toilet

    4Listen,appliance manufacturers:We dont need a dishwasheres that we can communicate

    with from afar,If you want to improve our dishwashers, ,give us one that senses when people leave dirty dishes on the kitchen counter,and shouts at them:Put those dishes in the dishwasher right

    now or Ill leak all over your shoes!

    5Likewies,we dont need a refrigerator that knows when its out of milk.We already have a

    foolproof system for determining if wereout of milk:We ask our wife.What we could use isa

    refrigerator that refuses to let us open its door when it senses that we are about to consume our fourth Jell-O Pudding Snack in tow hours.

    6As for a scale that transmits our weight to the gym:Are they nuts?We dont want our weight

    transmitted to our own eyeballs!What if the gym decided to transmit our weight transmitted our weight to all these other appliances on the Internet? What if,God forbid,our refrigerator found out what our weight was! Wed never get the door open again!

    7But here is what really concerns me about these newsmartappliances:Even if we like the

    features,we wont be able to use them..We cant use the appliance features we have now.I have a

    feature-packed telephone with 43 buttons,at least 20 of which I am afraid to touch.this phone probably can communicate with the dead,but I dont know how to operate it,just as I dont know

    how to operate my TV,which requires three remote controls.One control came with the TV;a second came with the VCR;the thirsd was brought here by the cable man,who apparently felt that I did not have enough buttons.

    8So when I want to watch TV,Im confronted with a total of 120 buttons.identified by such

    helpful labeled as PIP MTS DBS FZ JUMP and BLANK.There are three buttons labeld POWER,,but there are times-----especially if my son and his friends,who are not afraid of features,have changed the settings---when I honestly cannot figure out how to turn the TV om.I stand there,holding three remote controls,pressing buttons at random,until eventually I give up and go turn on the dishwasher.It has been,literally,years since I have successfully recorded a TV show.That is howsmartmy appliances have become.

    9And mow the appliance manufacturers want to give us even more features.Do you know what this means?It means that some night youll open the door of yousmart refrigerator,looking

    for a beer,and youll hear a pleasant,cheerful voice---recorded by the same woman who informs

    you that Your Call Is Important when you call a business that does not wish to speak with you personally---telling you:Your celery is limp.You will not know how you refrigerator know

    this,and,what is worse,you will not know who else you refrigerator is telling about it.And,If you want to try to make the refrigeartor stop,youll have to decipher Owners Manual instructions

    written by and for nuclear physicists.

    10Is this the kind of future you want,consumers?Do you want appliances that are smarter than you? Of course not.Your appliances should be dumber than you.just like your furniture,your pets and your representatives in Congress.So,I am urging you to let the appliance industry know,by phone,letter,fax and e-mail,that when it comes tosmartappliances,you vote NO.You need to act

    quickly.Because while youre reading this, your microwave oven is voting YES.

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