Those who learn English as a second language from traditional textbooks are
often at a loss when they hear a conversation such as the following:
Night at the Opera*
Mary, would you like to attend the John:
Opera this evening?
Mary: Fucking-A. Should I wear my black
John: Why the fuck not?
Mary. Fucked if I know—Oh, fuck! I just
Remembered. It got fucked up in the
John: Well, fuck the opera, let's stay home
Mary: Good fucking idea.
* A fuck-by-fuck analysis of Night at the Opera will be found at the end of the
Upon hearing such an exchange, the stranger to our shores can't help but feel bewildered. "What means this fuck?" he or she is likely
to say. The purpose of this book is to tell the newcomer just what this
fuck does mean.
And what shit, piss, cunt, and asshole mean— along with a host of other
terms that should be part of the vocabulary of any person who wishes to
communicate effectively in the English tongue.
Our proven method is simple and to the point: We won't deal with complex grammatical matters— such as irregular verbs. When someone tells you: "I butt-fucked a goat," it should be obvious that such an action is irregular. Just
There are books that will teach you to avoid using swear words.
They'll even teach you to avoid innocent words that might be considered
swear words. Their point is to keep you from being thought of as vulgar.
We say, fuck it!
Vulgarity is not the point.
The name of the game is communication.
In the course of this work, we quote a number of poets. That shouldn't deter you. These are all no-nonsense poets. (There is one exception, and he is
Because we're a panel of experts, we know what we're doing, and why we're doing it. We swear for one reason and one reason only: It's the best
fucking way to communicate!
Four centuries ago, Shakespeare—one of the greatest communicators the
English language has ever known—put his stamp of approval on swearing. In
The Tempest he has a character say:
You taught me language; and my profit on't
Is, I know how to curse.
The Bard had more to say on the subject. In Henry V, he shows us
Katherine, a young French woman, as she takes a lesson in English. When she learns that the English words "foot" and "gown" sound like the French
"fuck" and "cunt"—she's delighted. She repeats them words foutre and con—
again and again.
Is this Katherine some kind of low life?
Far from it!
She ends up as Queen of England and France!
If swearing is good enough for Shakespeare and for the Queen of England and France— you can bet your ass it's good enough for us. And
The Basic Seven
In the 1970s comedian George Carlin cited the seven words you can never say on network T.V: These rank high in the building blocks of effective swearing.
All these terms are now heard regularly on cable television. And for those who can read lips, they can be seen on all sports broadcasts. By the year 2001 they'll be heard on the more than 500 channels available to us—just one more
example of how the Information Superhighway will enrich our lives.
Note of Interest 1: Unlike such swear words as prick, screw, snatch, bung-hole, etc., these seven words can't be mistaken for anything other than
Note of Interest 2: Six of these terms can be used as "fighting
words"—insulting words designed to provoke someone.
If you call someone a shit, a fuck, a cunt, an asshole, a mother-fucker, or a
cock-sucker, you risk retaliation.
But call someone a "piss" and you'll only get a condescending smile.
Your intended victim will realize you haven't read English as a Second
Fuck is the mother of all words. Short and effective, it gets to the root of
creation. The euphemisms for fuck are cumbersome and inexact. One
example will make our point:
Romeo: I want to engage in sexual
intercourse with you.
Juliet: Sorry, I don't have time. I thought
you just wanted to fuck.
Some Romeo! What a namby-pamby mouthful! In the time it takes to say it,
you could fuck a half-dozen times.
Fuck is sometime called the F-Word. Avoid that term. Just say fuck.
The word's meaning, both as noun and verb, is sexual and positive. However,
many of its extended, nonsexual meanings can be negative. example: Sigmund: How come you're mad at Carl? Rudolph: The no-good fuck
fucked me out
of ten dollars.
This sometimes means to fuck people other than your mate. It can also mean
to engage in idle fun.
Dwight: Phoebe, dear, were you fucking
around with anyone while I was at
the shoe-clerk convention?
Phoebe: Gosh no, honey. I spent my time
fucking around by myself in the
Dwight: Odd. I found a used condom under
our bed, and it wasn't mine.
Phoebe: Huh, where do you suppose it
The non-sexual meaning is similar to "the hell with it." It's a useful term for
dismissing nonessential or irrelevant matters.
Nadine: Arnold, if we don't pay this phone bill by noon today, they'll shut off our
Arnold: Fuck it. There's no one I want to talk to, anyway.
fuck up As a noun, fuck-up refers to a botched situation or an incompetent
person. As a verb, fuck up refers to the action that caused it.
Henry. That job turned out to be a real fuck
Eugene: That's because that fuck-up Jackson
was in charge. He could fuck up a wet
This is one of the most useful phrases in the lexicon-of swears. It eliminates
or even reason—with people whose purposes or opinions the need to argue—
are different from your own.
(NOTE: Marcel's words are italicized to indicate that he is acting them out
rather than speaking them.)
Marcel: Could you spare $5 to support the mime foundation? Frank:
Officer. I'm sorry I had to ticket you, but
the radar clocked you at five miles
over the limit. Have a nice day! Mort: Fuck you!
EQUIVALENTS OF FUCK
There are a number of equivalents for the word fuck. Our panel sees no need
for them, but we offer a few for informational purposes.
This comes from the expression "to have a ball"—a good time. The "ball" in
this case refers to a gala event, not a testicle. However, in order to ball, you need to have the testicular type of ball. You only need one, but two is the norm.
Norm: What happened with the girl you
met at the ball last night?
Al: She grabbed my left ball, so we left
the ball and I balled her.
Of the many aggressive words for fuck, this is the most common. Others
include boff and thump.
examples: Dexter: Did I tell you I banged that blonde waitress
from the Reno Diner? Baxter: I thought you said you boffed
redhead. Dexter: Right. I thumped them both Baxter: You sure have a
way with the ladies!
This term comes from the tool used in the act. example: William: When does a gigolo bill his client? Richard: After he dicks
get it, etc. Combinations with get that mean fuck include: get a little, get in,
get it, get it on, get laid, get some, and get your ashes hauled.
hide the weenie This is a jocular way to say fuck. Avoid it.
lay This is a mild term for fuck, and a common one. It's based on the strange
idea that people always lay down to fuck (see basket fuck in the IDIOMS
screw Except in a basket fuck (see the IDIOMS section) there is no
actual rotation involved. Like fuck, screw can have a negative,
Sergio: I screwed up my math test; now I
can't go on the class beach picnic.
Andre: Then you won't get fucked; it looks
like you're screwed.
piece of ass
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Night at the Opera
Mary, would you like to attend the
opera this evening? Fucking-A1. Should I wear my black dress?
Why the fuck2 not? Fucked3 if I know—Oh, fuck4! I just
Mary: remembered. It got fucked up5 in the wash. Well, fuck6 the opera, John: let's stay home and fuck7 . Good fucking8 idea.
1 Fucking-A: This is a strong affirmation.
2 the fuck: This is an intensifier.
3 Fucked: This is short for "I'll be fucked if I know," which has nothing to do with actual fucking. It's the equivalent of "I'll be damned if I know," which has
nothing to do with damnation. In other words: "I don't know." 4 Oh, fuck! This is an interjection. The Oh isn't necessary; Fuck! by itself is
a complete interjection.
5 fucked up: This means damaged.
6 fuck: Here, fuck is used in a negative sense, similar to, "The hell with the
7 fuck: Here, fuck is used in its primary sense.
8 fucking: A novice might think the intended meaning is: "This is a good idea about fucking." In fact fucking in the sexual sense isn't intended; the word
is merely an intensifier. And a fucking good one at that.
Said a jolly old chap from Siam:"For fucking I don't give a damn.You may
think it odd o' me,But I prefer sodomy;They call me a bugger—I am."
The jolly old chap in the poem had a preference for sodomy. For others it is merely a make-do arrangement, a substitute for fucking. Because of the dangers associated with the practice, our panel avoids it. One such danger was cited by Samuel Taylor Coleridge in The Return of the Ancient Mariner. In
that epic sequel, the poet describes what happened when a reluctant cabin
boy was subjected to sodomy:
... then that naughty little nipper,He lined his assWith broken glassAnd
circumcised the skipper.
NEED TO KNOW ass-fuck bugger butt-fuck
NICE TO KNOW
bum-fuck corn-hole back-scuttle Greek
rear entry back-door banditry
There is no need to give non-English names to our body parts. Avoid them.
Such words often cloud rather than clarify the issue. For example, the Latin word vagina is sometimes used instead of cunt. This is
unfortunate. Vagina is easily confused with Virginia— particularly when
On the eastern seaboard of America, "the Commonwealth of Va." is a state; on
the West Coast it's a two-block area of Sunset Boulevard. The two parts that suffer most from this confusion are the uvula and sternum.
Neither are sexual organs, yet the unwary often treat them as such. The
results can be both unpleasant and dangerous.
There are exceptions. For certain
sexual acts—such as coginus and
fensturbation—there are no English equivalents. They should be used only in
the original Latin, usually in whispers.
example: Camille: Doctor Benway, is coginus painful?
Benway: Yes, if it's done right.
example: Wilma: What's your pet peeve, Bruce? Bruce: I
hate those Liberals
who are always saying fensturbation is normal and natural—until
you do it in front of them!
The ancient Romans referred to the male organ as a penis. When in Rome,
our panel does what the Romans do.
But we're not in Rome! We call it a cock, a prick, or a dick—and a
good many other names besides—but never a
A number of names for the cock are common men's names. Besides calling
a prick a dick, you might also call it a peter, a willy, or a John Thomas.
That may seem a little silly, but it makes more sense than calling it a betty,
a mary, or a lillian.
The naming of dicks can go to extremes of delicacy. Sometimes the organ
is not even mentioned.
Mary: I just saw an old X-rated film with
John Holmes. That guy was really
Bruce: I suppose he was pretty tall—for
Mary: No—I mean he was really big.
Bruce: Oh, yes. He was very successful—
for a porn star.
Mary: No—you needle-dicked moron!
I mean he was really BIG!
This refusal to name the male member played a part in an excellent exchange of graffiti that our panel of experts traced to the "No Name" bar on Hudson Street in New York City. There, in 1965, an anonymous immortal wrote on the
men's room wall:
"I'm 9 inches— are you interested?" Beneath that, another immortal responded:
"Interested? I'm fascinated! But how big is
Reluctance to mention the dick has a parallel in a common expression in which the dick is mentioned, but is absent; i.e., dickless. Logic tells us that the
expression refers to women. Logic is wrong. It refers to men who show little
courage or gumption. It's often used in combination with "wonder."
Stanley: How come Larry didn't make our
men's group's annual whorehouse
Oliver: His wife wouldn't let him.
Stanley: Jesus! That dickless wonder
wouldn't stand up to a meter maid.
A dick exists in two states. The first is the limp state. In its proper place, there's
nothing wrong with a limp dick— although when you call someone a limp dick,
you're suggesting they're ineffectual— impotent.
Vernon: Gosh, I've got to pee really bad. I
wonder if anybody would mind if I
left the poker game for a few
Rocco: No, you limp dick. In fact, we
wouldn't mind if you left
Like Vernon, a limp dick can be pretty useless. On the other hand, you can't
beat it when it comes to pissing.
However, when you do want to beat it, or fuck with it, or hang horseshoes
on it—it had better be hard. Which brings us to:
A sage once observed, "A stiff prick has no conscience." Other sages have confirmed that opinion. A man with a stiff prick is thinking
of one thing—or variations of that one thing. The thing, of course, is
fucking—or variations thereof.
The most common term for a stiff dick is a hard-on. It should be obvious
how it got its name. Other names for a dick in that state include:
So hard that blue veins are standing out on it in bas-relief.
Clem: How did your date with Suzie go?
Jody: Not so good. Every time I looked at
her I got such a blue-veiner it drained
the blood from my head and I
fainted. I never did get laid.
Seems to have a bone in it. This word can cause confusion, since "boner" also
refers to a mistake or faux pas.
Annie: They tell me Chris committed a real boner by showing up at the
nudist-colony dinner with a hard-on.
Ginnie: I was there. What a boner!
Hard enough to cut diamonds with.
example: Anita: A diamond is a girl's best friend. Marilyn: And a diamond-cutter
rail: Also rail on. Both refer to a prick that's straight as a rail. The poet Kareem
Roka described such a hard-on in the following verse: There once was fellow named Waylon,Who stood up in a boat with a rail
on."It's a mast," he declared,As his organ he bared,"And it's perfect for
hanging a sail on."
rod: Also rod on. Both refer to a prick that's hard as an iron rod.
Nelson: My girlfriend is a hobosexual.
Harold: Do you mean homosexual?
Nelson: No, hobosexua1. She likes to ride
We won't patronize you by explaining this term.
"Balls!" cried the queen—"If I had them I'd be king!"
from Rudyard Kipling' s
Queen Victoria's Lament
The word testicles is Latin for "little witnesses." Any man who wants to use that term to refer to his balls should be castrated. Don't get fancy: call them your
balls or your nuts.
This is a fine old word for the scrotum—the pouch that holds a man's balls. In
the plural, it's used for the balls themselves. The word is most familiar in the
expression cod piece, the decorative cup Elizabethan dandies wore to enhance their pants. Today, rock 'n' roll stars beef up their meat with cod
pieces—in addition to such trouser-stuffers as potatoes, zucchinis, and
rolled-up winter socks.
Balls are as treasured as jewels and are definitely a family matter. Without