The One With The Ring
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring brochure.]
Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a
ah-ah! Paper cut! Princess cut or a—
Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else?
Chandler: No, I don’t want to tell anybody else because I don’t want Monica to find out.
Phoebe: You told me.
Chandler: Well, it’s because I trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet.
Chandler: Me too.
(Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly hide the brochure behind his back.) Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)
Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?
Chandler: Oh all right.
Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse.
Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.
Chandler: Oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place.
(Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: How rude.
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his piece out for him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?
Rachel: Good. Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings. Phoebe: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open.
Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head
against a table?
Phoebe: No that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.
Paul: (entering) Hi honey.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.
Paul: (To Rachel) How are you?
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay.
Phoebe: Hi Paul!
Paul: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: So how are things going with you?
Paul: Can’t complain.
(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul
motions for Rachel to leave with him now.) Paul: (whispering) Come on.
Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with Paul.) Paul: (To Ross) Hey!
(They shake hands and their lines overlap.) Paul: Ross!
Ross: Great to see you!
Paul: Good to see you too!
Ross: How you doing?
Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)
Ross: Okay! You take care!
(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a ‘I hate that guy’ face. Paul does the same
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off
Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?
Ross: Phoebe, why’d you do it?
Phoebe: I didn’t do it! It was Chandler! He’s… He’s mad at you!
Ross: What?! Why?!
Phoebe: Please, I think you know why.
Ross: I can’t think of anything.
Phoebe: Come on Ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn’t invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?
Phoebe: Do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for?
Ross: I guess it could.
Phoebe: Well then I think that’s it.
Ross: Well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth.
Phoebe: Oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under
hot water and bang his head against a table.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the bathroom.]
Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?
Rachel: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.
Paul: It was fine.
Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now? Paul: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.
Rachel: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what—(Puts her hands on
his shoulders)—Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
Paul: Are you talking about having sex?
Rachel: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood!
Tell me about your childhood!
Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
Paul: Nope! That never happened to me!
Rachel: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm… The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets?
Rachel: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!
Rachel: All right.
Paul: When I was six years old.
Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.
Rachel: That’s-that’s great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let’s go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesn’t move.)
Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy.
[Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably in Rachel’s arms.]
Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?
Paul: Oh, I couldn’t eat now.
Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken boy!
Rachel: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that!
(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)
[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.] Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and I can’t find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) It’s a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)
Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do
something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket!
(Picks one up from the display in the corner.
Chandler: Y’know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this.
Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the ring. (Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this one’s nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see
Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket) Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out.
Male Jeweler: Can I help you?
Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.
Phoebe: Or not, whatever.
Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.
Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to
Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring, deadpan.) Will you marry me? Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God that’s it, that’s the ring! How much is it?
Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?
Male Jeweler: 8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you $10.
Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in this ring?!
Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.
Phoebe: We stand firm at $10.
Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you like to pay?
Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, I’ll go get it. You guard the ring.
Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, I’m sorry about before. Do you have anything
her for $10.
Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.)
Phoebe: I’ll give you $1 for them.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.]
Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday? Joey: No.
Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.
Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
Joey: Oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off
Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him. Joey: Oh wow that’s a great idea! And I still have his credit card.
Gunther: (handing them the bill) Here you go.
Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money)
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandler’s card.) Y’know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just—I don’t get Chandler. Y’know, me
and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset.
Ross: All the time?
Joey: All the time!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!!
Monica: Still crying?
Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy,
Monica: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
Rachel: What’s the other one?
Monica: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking.
Rachel: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway
uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.
Monica: Oh, we have some…
Rachel: No you don’t!
[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying on virtually everything in the store. She’s got earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces to put Mr. T to shame on.] Phoebe: Okay umm, I’d also like to try on the tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah. Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you think, too much? Male Jeweler: A tad.
Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and Phoebe poses in front of one of those small mirrors.) Something’s missing. It’s not… Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Where’s the 1920s princess cut ring.
Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. (Points to the one walking out the store.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which locks the store’s door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No!
What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as Chandler enters.] Paul: Rachel?
Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?
Chandler: No, did he hug you?!
Paul: No! No! It’s just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.
Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.
Paul: Hey Chandler?
Paul: Would you…….Would you hug me?
Chandler: I’m a little busy here Paul.
Paul: That’s exactly what my dad used to say! (Starts to breakdown again.)
Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)
Paul: Five more seconds.
Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.)
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks him off of his feet.) Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to Chandler, "What’s going on?") Hi, Paul is it? (Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)
Chandler: Do you have my credit card?
Joey: Yes, it’s in my… In…in my pocket. (Paul hasn’t dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back pocket! Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.)
Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight. Chandler: Oh, I can’t go.
Joey: Come on! It’ll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and… Paul probably…
[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him.]
Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. (Holding it out for her.) Chandler: Oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but I’m gonna go with the one I picked
Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It’s over!
Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I’m sorry. I tired to stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in jail!
Chandler: They put you in jail?
Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!
Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!
Phoebe: I know, I’m sorry! But y’know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.
Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps. Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.
Chandler: It was the ring!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and Joey is entering.] Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?
Joey: No! He blew us off!
Joey: I know!
Ross: I can’t believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? I’m a little mad at him now.
Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too.
Ross: Y’know what? He didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all!
Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.
Ross: That’s right!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Eh? We’ll show him!
Joey: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing something as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi. I’m back.