The One Where Joey Tells Rachel
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross] Joey: There’s this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, y’know? ’Ccause
we’re really good friends.
Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don’t know.
Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I—
Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen
to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until…)
Joey: It’s Rachel.
[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]
Ross: (closes the door) Did you um—I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel?
Ross: Um, you…you like Rachel?
Joey: Yes. I like Rachel.
Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh—Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross.
Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
Joey: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal.
Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-
you just said? I mean how about, I like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep?
Joey: I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic. Ross: Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel?
Joey: Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like
anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away.
Ross: Y’know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)
Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t…
Ross: (stops) I just—y’know—I-I just have one—Rachel?!
(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again.
Joey sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.] Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking!
Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She’s growing inside you.
Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)
Rachel: Wow that was a big one.
Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys!
Chandler: Oh hey!
Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?
Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist.
Phoebe: Okay, good.
Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica’s.
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half. Chandler: Come on, don’t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.) Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, what’s he like?!
Phoebe: Well he’s tall.
Phoebe: He has brown hair.
Rachel: Of course, of course.
Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe! Phoebe: He works with food!
Rachel: Oh sure. Older?
Phoebe: Obviously, and he’s British.
Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask!
Phoebe: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident.
Rachel: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet.
Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but—y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more.
Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still
gonna date him?
Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.] Monica: Hey.
I want to see how you were. Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just—
Ross: Oh y’know, I still—I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder!
Monica: All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t
say that again.
Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of
Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react.
Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin.
Monica: Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel!
Ross: He’s not?
Monica: No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont.
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him. Ross: Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. (Pause) It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know?
Monica: Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend.
Ross: Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him.
Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with
Monica’s soul mate.]
Phoebe: Oh! Hi!
Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler’s hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica’s hand.)
Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.
Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What?
Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate.
Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?
Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-
dried tomatoes at that place?
Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!
Don: That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange.
Monica: Not really.
Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there’s staring.) No?
Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?
Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7—Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s.
Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there.
Don: You’re kidding me!
Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once
I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you.
(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.) Chandler: What are you doing?!
Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So…
Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife! Phoebe: They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen.
Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work.
Monica: Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else.
[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross.]
Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it. Ross: No, I don’t want to hit you.
Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?
Joey: (getting worried) Bite me?
Ross: No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)
Joey: Oh now—Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something?
Ross: Uh…yeah sure. (Enters.)
Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t…
Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh…I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything
to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
Ross: Thank you.
(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)
Joey: Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so…
Ross: What?! You’re in love with her.
Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.
Ross: Umm, no.
Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I’ll get over this." Y’know? I just—It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do?
Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.
Joey: Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’.
Ross: No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
Joey: But what if uh—and I’m not saying she will be—But…
Ross: If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way.
Joey: Are you sure?
Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she
couldn’t find a better guy. So…
Joey: Hey thanks.
Ross: So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her?
Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say?
Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.
Joey: I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!
Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.] Don: …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.
Chandler: Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?
Don: Excuse me?
Chandler: Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.
Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.
Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue
cheese in the house.
Don: And you’re still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)
Monica: You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese—Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat.
Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at.
Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?!
Monica: I’d move in tomorrow!
Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this? Phoebe: I’m so sorry.
Chandler: What do we do?
Phoebe: I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]
Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.)
Rachel: Joey? What’s up?
Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something. Rachel: Okay what’s up?
Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
Rachel: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?
Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all.
Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? (Walks away.)
Joey: Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don’t you people ever knock?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering.] Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Chandler: Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.
Monica: Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon.
Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.
Monica: Jeez! What is with you?
Chandler: I’m sorry, did you say cheese?
Monica: All right, what’s going on?
Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind
of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?
Chandler: No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does.
Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either.
Chandler: You don’t?
Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard. Chandler: So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?
Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I know.
Chandler: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this
place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn’t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.]
Rachel: …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay?
Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…(Exhales slowly)—Is it hot
Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?
Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)
Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much.
Joey: Uh… How long have we known each other?
Rachel: Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.
Joey: Uh-huh, long time.
Joey: But over the past few weeks…
(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)