The One With Joey’s Award
Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy! Joey: No-no.
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?
Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious
soap opera award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would
expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student
raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like
this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to
get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass…
Morse: What’d I get?
Morse: That’s not so good.
Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love.
Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem.
Morse: I’m in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight
little turtleneck sweater…
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out! Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged!
Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh,
I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel…
Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.
Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh that’s great!
Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your
gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.
(She starts to open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six.
Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler.
Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I?
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.] Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you? Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who
has a crush on me.
Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-
what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and
Joey both look at him.)
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm. Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at
me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.