The One Where Joey Dates Rachel
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering carrying groceries and find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.]
Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!!
Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?
Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here! Chandler: Pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang…
Monica: (interrupting) I love it! It’s huge!! Let’s open it! Open it!! (Monica rips open the paper.)
Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
Chandler: Oh, okay.
Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it doesn’t move.)
Chandler: I kinda like it here.
Phoebe: Do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like—Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!
Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first?
Monica: Well I-I really don’t remember the name of it.
Chandler: Well what did it do?
Monica: Well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some handles and
win like a candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Don’t feel bad for me! I won like every time!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what
happened in the Paleontology department today.
Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out? Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so….
Rachel: They made you head of the department!
Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn’t I get head of
the department? (Goes and gets some coffee.)
Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm…
Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant? Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Café. They got great food and it’s really romantic.
Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for
drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her
Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya…
Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m
not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting
at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun. Joey: Hey, y’know what?
Joey: Why don’t I take you out?
Rachel: What?! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.
Joey: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out…
Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya.
Joey: I’ll be fun.
Rachel: All right?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.]
Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.
Monica: Okay, I’m next. (Phoebe starts another game.) Don’t! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you over all the winning.
Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game!
Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game.
Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck.
Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card?
Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad?
Phoebe: Yeah! It’s not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
Monica: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! (She
goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can’t move her.) Oh come…Phoebe!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.]
Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room?
Joey: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)
Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you.
Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so…
Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I’m going on a real date!
Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about…(She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts)…there.
Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball,
huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
Rachel: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s.
Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.
Rachel: Ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch yourself.
Joey: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking?
Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
Joey: No-no-no-no, he’s not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on! [Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.]
Ross: …which brings us back, of course, to Greely’s theory of dominance. (The bell rings.) Okay, that-that’s all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman
Student: Yeah, it’s the new building on Avenue A.
Ross: What?! That-that’s all the way cross town, I’m supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
Student: Ooh, dude. That’s not gonna happen.
(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.) Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I’m the teacher!!
[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]
Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) I’m sorry I’m a
little late. Ah—(Checks his watch)—Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by
introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today.
[Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel’s dinner order.]
Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster?
Joey: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. (The waitress leaves.)
Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I
didn’t pay you the rent check.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date.
Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves?
Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for—(Laughs.) I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.
Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan.
Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!
Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!"
Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.
Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can.
Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did!
Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves.
Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up?
Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot.
Rachel: Come on, just answer the question! Joey: (exasperated) Queens.
Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents? Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad. Rachel: Why not?
Joey: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is.
Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It’s gotta be
Joey: Yeah, it is. It’s really tough. Y’know sometimes I think—Wow!! Nice move! Rachel: Huh?
Joey: "Where’d you grow up," it’s so simple!
Rachel: Thank you! And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room.