The One With Ross’ Big Step Forward
Written by: Robert Carlock
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.]
Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
Phoebe: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed.
Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean
look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right? Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
Rachel: Well, y’know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I’ll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.] Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!
Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center. Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn’t move from his chair.)
Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together? Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!
Joey: I’m missin’ picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Y’know she has a face Ross!
Mona: Okay. Okay, here’s a good one of us.
Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y’know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
Mona: Y’know, every year I say I’m gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it.
Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?
Mona: Yeah, y’know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It’ll be cute, okay?
Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)
Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
Ross: Uh sure, sure.
Mona: Bye guys.
Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
Ross: I know. Can you believe that?
Phoebe: Wait, I’m-I’m sorry. What’s the big deal about a holiday card?
Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?! Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about!
[Scene: Chandler’s Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.]
Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
Monica: Yes, hi.
Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M. Chandler: I didn’t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I’m sorry.
Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir.
Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we’ve got a lot to celebrate.
How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Monica: I can’t think of anything we’re doing. (Quietly) Why can’t I think of anything we’re doing?
Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park! Monica: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we’re not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Monica: That’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn’t it?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.]
Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?
Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.
Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
Ross: Well, we-we haven’t said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
Mona: How many did you want? I’m getting a hundred.
Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I’ll take a—Mona, uh…I-I’m not sure about the
whole uh, card thing.
Mona: Really? Why not?
Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don’t know if we’re really quite there yet.
Mona: Oh y’know, I didn’t think of it that way. You’re right. You’re right. So, can I ask you a question?
Mona: Where are we?
Mona: Y’know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y’know I just—I hope we’re moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don’t you think?
Ross: Let’s do the card!
Ross: The card! I think we’re there!
Mona: Okay. I—But I think we should still have this conversation. Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
[Scene: Rachel’s Doctor’s Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.]
Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital,
so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers… (Stops when she realizes it was her.)
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? I’m Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he’s an attractive man.)
Rachel: Yes, you are.
Dr. Schiff: So, how’s it going?
Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
Dr. Schiff: I’m a doctor.
Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski?
Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend? Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
Rachel: No. I’m very comfortable.
Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?! Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table? Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?
Dr. Schiff: I’m sorry, is there something going on here?
Rachel: Do you feel it too?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go?
Rachel: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
Phoebe: Oh my God.
Monica: Why did you do that?
Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
Phoebe: You wish.
Monica: Hey, I could’ve had you if I wanted you.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?
Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we’re moving forward. You’ll be getting our card!
Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
Ross: Yeah, we’re not just doing a card! Y’know, she-she also wants to have the
conversation about where the relationship is going.
Phoebe: Ugh! Women!
Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?" Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate
those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a
gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross: Smaller than that.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you. Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
Phoebe: No, we hate that.
Monica: That is a slap in the face.
Ross: Forget it. I-I—Y’know what? I’ll just have the conversation. I’ll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach? Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
[Scene: Chandler’s Office, Doug is entering.]
Doug: Bing! We’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock.
Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. Monica has to work.
Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either.
Doug: Oh? Why not?
Chandler: It’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament.
Doug: What’s going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
Chandler: Well now-now you’re just talking crazy.
Doug: So why can’t the three of us go out together?
Chandler: Because uh…we-we…we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
Doug: Good God Bing I…well I can’t say I’m altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust. Chandler: Y’know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?
Doug: Bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. Now here’s the plan, grab your coat, we’re going to a strip club.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.]
Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it’s time we-we had a conversation about-
about where things are with us.
Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
Ross: Aw, we-we are so…(Motions that they’re connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like
you and I-I love umm, y’know hanging out with you. And I mean-I’m having a lot of
fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn’t.)
Ross: I mean, there’s no point in spending time with someone if-if it’s just fun. It’s
gotta be, it’s gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah!
That’s-that’s the real question. And-and the answer is…is it’s going somewhere…fun. Now I-I know what you’re thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y’know, but you’re-you’re not getting any younger. No I mean—No not you, not you, you—
you are getting younger. I mean—you-you look like you’re getting younger by the
second—What’s your secret?
Mona: I’m sorry, so umm, so where are we?
Ross: Well, well to sum up, we’re having fun, you look young.
Ross: But that’s not enough. So… So…here’s a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
Mona: You don’t think this is too fast.
(Ross groans no.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another
mistake he’s made with a woman.]
Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very
Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How’d the conversation go?
Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.
Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)
Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger. Roger: Hey everybody.
Monica: Hi Roger.
Phoebe: So umm, I’m gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out?
Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Umm, he’s here to have sex with you.
Phoebe: You’re welcome.
Rachel: Phoebe no!
Phoebe: It’s okay, he’s a virgin.
Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he’ll have sex with
Phoebe: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone.
Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it
with some random guy!
Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)
[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.]
Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
Chandler: Oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl.
Doug: Bing—What’s this?! (Grabs his hand.)
Chandler: It’s a hand. It’s a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
Doug: No, it’s a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We’re gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no!
Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y’know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross’s door.]
Ross: Okay, and oh I’m gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.
Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, what’s going on? You changing the lock?
Ross: No. That guy is.
Mona: I don’t understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.
Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.)
Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you’re-you’re sending
me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?
Ross: I’m trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
Ross: I love you!
Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn’t happy.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.]