The One With The Stripper
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?
Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too.
Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’
Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t!
Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t.
Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler: Her what?!!
Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party…
Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me! Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: It’s a grand tradition!
Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands.
Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of
marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]
Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat.
Dr. Green: It’s chicken.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.
Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you.
Rachel: Well actually umm…
Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir.
Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage!
Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss.
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?
Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant.
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy,
I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy!
Dr. Green: That’s true.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing)
So when is the wedding?
Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
ndRachel: February 2!
(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little. Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in.
Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight.
Ross: Okay, bye.
(They kiss and she starts to leave.)
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)
Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going?
Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so…
Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know?
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.
Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?! Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper…
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.
Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.
Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.) Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked! Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you!
Chandler: And Joey.
Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite? Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough. Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby…
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]
Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour.
Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong.
Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
Dr. Green: What?!
Rachel: I’m sorry daddy.
Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!!
Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?!
Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I’m damaged goods.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler’s bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers
Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. Okay? Y’know? Before your
wedding. Come on, it’ll be fun.
Chandler: Okay. I can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day.
Joey: How does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Joey: That’s her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)
Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Joey: Uh, that-that’s-that’s me!
Chandler: That’s me.
Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.) Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.
Stripper: All right, whenever you’re ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)
Chandler: That was weird.
Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
Stripper: I’m waiting.
(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.) Chandler: So she’s a…
Joey: Yeah, that’s one naked hooker!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.] Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.)
Ross: Uh that’s an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: Oh wow! So, you’re more than just dinosaurs.
Ross: So much more.
(They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White Plains.)
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m so sorry!
Ross: Aw forget it, it’s from Pier One. (There’s an angry knock on the door.) Sorry.
(Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!!
Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant! Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross: Who did?!
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean…I mean I’m not in love with her. I love
her like a, like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to.
Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?! Mona: Tramp?!
Ross: I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about
what she’s supposed to do.
Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma’am, are you also a stripper?
Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking… (Chandler grunts for her not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.)
Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny.
Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone.
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy. Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Oh actually, I’d rather you…Yeah, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, but…
Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he’s trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr.
Green.) Can I just… (Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don’t we just let the machine get that?
Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it.
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, she’s cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]
Stu: So, tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party?
Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl’s number.
Stu: No problem. So who’s the party for?
Monica: My husband.
Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?
Monica: She’s a stripper.
Stu: No, she’s a hooker.
Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes? Stu: When they’re hookers.
Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can’t believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she’s a hooker?
Stu: Either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
(Monica runs out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about
Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler: Why would she do that?
Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually?
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long?
Joey: In a minute!
Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What’s gonna happen in a minute?!