Friends - 8x08 - the_one_with_the_stripper

By Gary Long,2014-01-20 23:50
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Friends - 8x08 - the_one_with_the_stripper

    The One With The Stripper

Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

    Directed by: David Schwimmer

    Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

    [Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]

    Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?

    Phoebe: Huh?

    Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?

    Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy.

    Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too.

    Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off.

    Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet.

    Phoebe: Oh. Why not?

    Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry.

    Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’

    Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.

    Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!

    Rachel: Thank you.

    Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.

    Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t!

    Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t.

Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!

    Chandler: Her what?!!

    Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party…

    Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!

    Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me! Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.

    Joey: It’s a grand tradition!

    Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!

    Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands.

    Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!

    Chandler: You went home with the waitress.

    Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.

    Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of

    marriage are openness and honesty!

    Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!

    Opening Credits

    [Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]

    Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?

    Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat.

    Dr. Green: It’s chicken.

    Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.

    Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you.

    Rachel: Well actually umm…

Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir.

    Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage!

    Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?

    Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)

    Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him)

    Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.

    Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss.

    Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

    Phoebe: Rachel!

    Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.

    Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?

    Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?

    Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.

    Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo.

    Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?

    Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant.

    Rachel: Phoebe!

    Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?

    Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.)

    Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy,

    I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy!

    Dr. Green: That’s true.

Rachel: Yeah.

    Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing)

    So when is the wedding?

    Rachel: Who?

    Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!

    ndRachel: February 2!

    (Dr. Green exhales in relief.)

    [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]

    Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.

    Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little. Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in.

    Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

    Mona: So, I gotta get going.

    Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight.

    Mona: Yeah.

    Ross: Okay, bye.

    (They kiss and she starts to leave.)

    Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)

    Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!

    Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going?

    Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so…

    Joey: Hot?

    Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!

Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby?

    Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know?

    Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.

    Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.

    Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.

    Chandler: What?

    Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?! Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper…

    Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!

    Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.

    Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.

    Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present.

    Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.) Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked! Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you!

    Joey: Yeah!

    Chandler: And Joey.

    Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite? Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough. Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.

    Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?

    Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby…

    [Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]

    Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

    Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour.

    Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

    Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong.

    Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.

    Rachel: Yeah?

    Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.

    Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.

    Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?

    Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.

    Dr. Green: What?!

    Rachel: I’m sorry daddy.

    Dr. Green: