The One With The Stripper
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?
Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too.
Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’
Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t!
Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t.
Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler: Her what?!!
Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party…
Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me! Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: It’s a grand tradition!
Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands.
Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of
marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]
Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat.
Dr. Green: It’s chicken.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.
Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you.
Rachel: Well actually umm…
Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir.
Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage!
Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss.
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?
Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant.
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy,
I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy!
Dr. Green: That’s true.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing)
So when is the wedding?
Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
ndRachel: February 2!
(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little. Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in.
Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight.
Ross: Okay, bye.
(They kiss and she starts to leave.)
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)
Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going?
Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so…
Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know?
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.
Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?! Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper…
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.
Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.
Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.) Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked! Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you!
Chandler: And Joey.
Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite? Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough. Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby…
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]
Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour.
Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong.
Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
Dr. Green: What?!
Rachel: I’m sorry daddy.