The One With The Red Sweater
Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.] Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife!
Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday.
Chandler: The wedding pictures?
Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks.
Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?
Joey: Nothing! It was something.
Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at
Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill.
Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut?
[Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room.
Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this?
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
Ross: No you didn’t.
Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said…
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?!
Ross: No. Sorry man.
Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak!
Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look
Ross: In-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a
small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman. (Monica opens it anyways.)
Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I
guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.) Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness?
Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they?
Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that
Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor? Rachel: Ew! No!
Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute.
Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying.
Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever.
You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different.
Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking
around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam!
Monica: What was that bam?
Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me.
Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father?
Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.)
Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
Monica: Who’s David Lynn?
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.] Ross: Chandler?
Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross: No. Did you?
Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating.
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s
Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed.
Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed? Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I
screwed this up!
Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?
Chandler: I don’t kn