The One With The Red Sweater
Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.] Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife!
Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday.
Chandler: The wedding pictures?
Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks.
Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?
Joey: Nothing! It was something.
Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at
Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill.
Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut?
[Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room.
Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this?
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
Ross: No you didn’t.
Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said…
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?!
Ross: No. Sorry man.
Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak!
Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look
Ross: In-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a
small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman. (Monica opens it anyways.)
Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I
guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.) Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness?
Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they?
Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that
Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor? Rachel: Ew! No!
Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute.
Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying.
Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever.
You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different.
Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking
around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam!
Monica: What was that bam?
Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me.
Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father?
Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.)
Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
Monica: Who’s David Lynn?
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.] Ross: Chandler?
Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross: No. Did you?
Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating.
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s
Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed.
Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed? Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I
screwed this up!
Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?
Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Ross: What about the chairs?
Chandler: She picked those out too.
Ross: How about the place settings?
Chandler: That was her.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel: Not yet.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby…
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m
gonna tell the father today’ and then bam!
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is! Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even
go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of
control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one
knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Monica: You can’t marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn!
Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.)
Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls
nod yes.) Who’s the father?
Phoebe: We don’t know.
Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude.
Monica: There’s a dude?
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Joey: The guy left this.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is… (She walks into Monica and Chandler’s.)
Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us? Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click.
Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture?
Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.] Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is? Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Rachel: Uh, let’s rip!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.) Tag: Hey Rach.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.]
Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. Okay!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That’s my car!
Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)