The One With The Truth About London
Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt
Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there?
Rachel: No. No.
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever. Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
Ben: Don’t talk to me now!
Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said
there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour? Rachel: What-what about Monica?
Ross: Oh, she isn’t home.
Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Rachel: Huh umm…
Ross: What’s the matter?
Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him? Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive. Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with
Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay? Rachel: Yeah I think so.
Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you.
Ben: I’ll be okay.
Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
Ben: Bye dad.
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
Ben: Not really.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink? Ben: Okay.
Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.) Ben: What’s a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him. Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!"
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her
(Joey nods his approval.)
Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married.
Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!
Joey: I call it!!
Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us. Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.
Ben: But you’re not anymore!
Rachel: No, I’m not.
Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break.
Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—
day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben: When’s my daddy coming back?
Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff.
Ben: Sharing is good.
Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and
we just-just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put
salt on their cereal.
Ben: (laughs) That’s a good one.
Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben: Yeah, you’re funny.
Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter,
take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line
right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.] Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody.
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people.
Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet…
Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man!
Monica: That is true.
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else.
Monica: It might be kinda cool.
Joey: So I can do it?
Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
(Phoebe enters slowly.)
Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering!
Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.) Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: It’s Hexadrin.
Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and
forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna make you some tea.
And then, I’m gonna rub your feet.
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.) Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.)
Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes
Rachel: Oh that.
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?!
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.] Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?
Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.) Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
Phoebe: Say what?
Monica: Y’know, the possible side affects.
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver
damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!
Monica: In case it happens.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)
Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there! Chandler: Our minister…
Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.) Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.) Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?
[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in.
Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little... Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay?
Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee? Rachel: Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? Rachel: Don’t do that.
Ben: Don’t do that.
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Rachel: Oh damnit!
Ben: Oh damnit!
Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that!
Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating!
Rachel: Oh crap!
Ben: Oh crap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling? Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.)
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready? Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.
Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And
then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
Monica: How about receiving?
Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler: No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes? Monica: It doesn’t say that!
Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…"
Monica: There you go!
Joey: "…by doin’ it."
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?
Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?
Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross’s mom.