The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth’s
Teleplay by: Scott Siveri
Story by: David J. Lagana
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyone’s horoscope.]
Rachel: Okay, Chandler!
Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.) Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat.
Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!
Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself. (Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.) Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.) Chandler: Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime
with your robot sidekick?
Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!
Phoebe: No! Joey, you’re going to be great!
Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything about
technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find porn! And-and that’s
only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on!
Monica: I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) I’ll be waiting.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different
Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not supposed to do that.
Phoebe: No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start writing another
Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?
Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received. Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: What are you guys doing later?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut. Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?
Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.
Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?!
Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out
if you guys were here to make me look good.
All: Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here!
Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, it’s the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.]
The Producer: (walking into Mac’s office) So uh, here’s your office set!
Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator! The Producer: (checking his watch) Let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
The Producer: I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s right here. (Points to a guy.)
The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is…
Joey: Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! (Starts touching the guy’s cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears.
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.) The Producer: I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
Joey: Okay. Sorry about that…(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)
C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? Like the
terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art.
Joey: I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.’s arm close to Joey’s special area and he jumps back.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting,
Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller. Ross: It-it’s great to meet you Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So Ross, what your problem?
Ross: Eh-wh—Excuse me?
Paul: Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age?
Ross: That’s funny. Umm…. (Pause, then serious) It’s not funny.
Paul: I don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind.
Paul: Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You
got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Ross: This is—you—(Ross starts laughing.)
Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student—I mean I not—not it! I mean, I mean I don’t—We haven’t done it. Uh,
I mean, I mean, we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a
joke, a joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: I’m Irish.
Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
Monica: How crazy that we’d run into you!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Phoebe: You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged
Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens? Chandler: There’s a Mr. Bing!
Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: I get that a lot.
Ross: Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and I’ll get us all some uh some coffees—(He goes to pull out Elizabeth’s chair, but Paul steps in)—Yeah, why don’t you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about
whatever, whatever you want. Y’know? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
Monica: Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital.
Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)
Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister.
Monica: And he’s a great brother!
Paul: I had a sister.
Paul: She passed away.
Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: Oh, you don’t have to do that every time.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story… (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isn’t happy.) You’re roommate in college died didn’t he?
Paul: A part of him did yes.
Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about. Chandler: Yes, we were just…
(Rachel runs in.)
Rachel: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here?
Paul: I’m already here.
Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica: You said the baby.
Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a little
Chandler: This is going in your book?
Phoebe: Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
Monica: What?! Excuse me!
Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.] Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!
Paul: Hi! Hi. (He’s looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere. Rachel: Oh! Well let’s look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them? Paul: No.
Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)
Rachel: Oh good.
Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul? Paul: Just call me Paul.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy. Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay? Rachel: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter. Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.
Rachel: Oh. We?
Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… (He taps his index fingers together.)
Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are you still a
‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’
Paul: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
Paul: Yes I did.
Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
Monica: How was your first day?
Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot. Chandler: Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants!
Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
Phoebe: Well, why don’t you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
Estelle: The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]
Paul: Hi Ross.
Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]
Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)
Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.
Ross: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here!
Rachel: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out.
Paul: Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you!
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom.
You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.) Rachel: Bye!
Paul: I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
Ross: What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?! Rachel: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them…
Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!
Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee. Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!
Rachel: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
Ross: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird!
Rachel: Wh—You dated my sister!
Ross: That was different!
Rachel: What? Why?!
Ross: This is weird for me!
Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not
lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful
Ross: How is that important?
Rachel: Oh it’s important!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know he could get me fired! What am I going to do?
Monica: Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy.
Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
Monica: No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass!
Joey: That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.) Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me?
Monica: Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side.
Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.) Phoebe: (writing in her book) "You wish."
Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe: I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people.
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!
Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
Phoebe: I see what you’re doing!
Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what I’m doing.
Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!