The One With The Screamer
Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s.
Rachel: What’s Flimby’s?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing.
Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on!
Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
Monica: Really? Who’s number two?
Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.
Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?
Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach?
Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so?br>
Joey: But you said one.
Rachel: I meant, me plus one!
Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?
Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight.
Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)
Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!
Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.
Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.
Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
(In horror, Joey wipes his next and smells it.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t
switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her
head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just?br>
Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!!
Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay?
Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
Monica: Of course not.
Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy, as Ross and
his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Ross: Hey, hey Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the
dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.
Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!
(An awkward silence follows.)
Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says?
Ross: And! Break!!
(Awkward laughter follows.)
Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room.
Cailin: I’ll join you.
Tommy: I’ll get our seats.
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is