The One With The Screamer
Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s.
Rachel: What’s Flimby’s?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing.
Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on!
Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
Monica: Really? Who’s number two?
Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person.
Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel) person?
Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach?
Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so?br>
Joey: But you said one.
Rachel: I meant, me plus one!
Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?
Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight.
Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her bedroom)
Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!
Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.
Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.
Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
(In horror, Joey wipes his next and smells it.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey’s premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I’m setting the phone down. (does so) But I’m still here! Just don’t go anywhere I’m still here. (starts to put on the sweater) Don’t-don’t
switch or anything, ‘cause I’m, I’m right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her
head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just?br>
Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!!
Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay?
Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
Monica: Of course not.
Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
[Scene: Joey’s Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy, as Ross and
his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Ross: Hey, hey Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the
dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here.
Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!
(An awkward silence follows.)
Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin.
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they’re arms to shake each other’s hand, and Ross says?
Ross: And! Break!!
(Awkward laughter follows.)
Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room.
Cailin: I’ll join you.
Tommy: I’ll get our seats.
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is
Ross: Well y'know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out.
Tommy: Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that.
Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh?br> Tommy: I think we’re here.
Ross: Oh! Yeah.
Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-
I think you may be in our seats.
Man: Umm, no, I don’t think so.
Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?
Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh?br> Man: Oh, well I thought that ah?br>
Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!
Man: Uh, the usher told us to come?br>
Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
Ross: No, I’m good. (He sits down, stunned.)
[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.]
Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!
Monica: There’s our star!
Joey: So, so, what’d ya think?
Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
Joey: I-I wasn’t in that.
Chandler: I know.
Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Chandler: So that’s the girl you like.
Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I’m telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s baaad news!
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel’s dating?
Well, that’s odd.
[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy, Lauren.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.
Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.
[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]
Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet?
Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey’s agent, approaches]
Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!
Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?
Joey: No, they-they weren’t in the play.
Rachel: We’re not actors.
Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.
Chandler: Could I borrow it?
[cut to later]
Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of
him, I think he’s gonna snap. (He’s watching very intently)
Cailin: Ross, I’m gonna go.
Ross: Go? Why?
Cailin: I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.
Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.
Cailin: Good bye Ross.
Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la? Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!
The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is?(stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on
Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?
Monica: Yeah. Where were you?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller.
Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.
(They both look at each other, nod their heads ‘All right?and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)
[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.]
Joey: Hey! Are you okay?
Joey: Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do?
Kate: Become a drama critic!
The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (walks away)
Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
Joey: Oh, classy.
Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for
Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
Kate: Really. What?
Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
Kate: Why the Post?
Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post?
Kate: No. You?
Joey: No. Why?
[Scene: Kate’s Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.]
Kate: (drunk) So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?
Joey: Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking.
Kate: Oh, you’re sweet and cute.
Joey: I know! That’s why they trashed me!
Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Joey: I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.
Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before?
Joey: Kate, do you even like me?
Kate: Of course I do.
Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him?
Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy? Why can’t I just pick someone like you?
Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so?(She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
Joey: (Checks to see if she’s drooling on his shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her
down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let’s get your feet up there. (Looks
at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I’m gonna put this
can right here in case you have to hurl.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.]
Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to
sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy.
Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the riboflavin.
Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!
Monica: Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night?
Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
Phoebe: I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see.
Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?
Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
Joey: You-you think?
Monica: Did you like learn about her family?
Joey: Two brothers, one died!
Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]
Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.
(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)
Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.
Rachel: What time is it?