The One With Phoebe’s Ex-Partner
Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.]
Singer: (singing) ‘Cause every time I see your face, I can’t help but fall from grace. I know.....
Joey: Wow! This girl is good.
Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
Chandler: I like her.
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
Chandler: Well, that’s pretty much all I’m looking for from these people.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she’s more..(shakes his shoulders, like he’s dancing) y'know, and you’re more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops)
Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her).
Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she’s done.
Singer: Okay, my next song’s called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really
Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn’t Have Left You That Way.
(The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh no, one of those ‘look for the hidden meaning’ songs.
[Scene: Central Perk, later.]
Singer: Hey Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how’d you know I’d be here?
Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish.
Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of?
Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away..
Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
Leslie: Yeah, but, I don’t do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Phoebe: Hmm, bummer.
Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you’d want to get back together?
Phoebe: No. But thanks.
Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.
Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y’know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know
nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
Monica: Yeah, sure.
[Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.]
Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?
Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called ‘wait until the last moment before I burst and die.’
(The door opens.)
Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it’s a beautiful woman coming out of the
men’s room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn’t wait. I left the lid up for ya
(Gunther walks up)
Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I’m-I’m talking to ah,
(tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.
Chandler: Ginger. I’m talking to Ginger, so....
Ginger: Don’t you have to use the bathroom?
Chandler: Nope, nope, I’d just ah, I’d rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)
Gunther: Someone in here.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang’s putting their coats on to leave.]
Phoebe: Where’s Chandler?
Joey: Ah, he can’t make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.)
Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
(She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he’s
still behind it, and she can’t see him.)
Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You’re hiding behind the coats.
(Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica
who looks away and leave.)
Joey: Phew, close one.
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.]
Rachel: Hi, sweetie!
Mark: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, huh.
Rachel: I’ve got some bad news.
Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here.
Ross: Come on sweetie! You’ve had to work late every night for the past two weeks,
what is it this time?
Mark: Actually, it’s kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that’s sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
Rachel: Nooo, he’s leaving for a better job.
Ross: Oh well that’s great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel’s desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.
Mark: Okay, then.
Rachel: Well we’re gonna miss you around here.
Mark: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn’t let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
Mark: So, see ya on Saturday.
Rachel: Yeah, you bet.
(Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)