The One With A Chick. And A Duck
Written by: Chris Brown
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by rolling her between themselves.]
Rachel: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates?
Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box.
Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!
Monica: That was you?!
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back to Rachel)
Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I made you a cocoa.
[He distracts her from catching Monica and Monica slams into her, knocking her down. Monica then falls on top of her.]
Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?
Gunther: Are you all right?
Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.) Oh my.
(They both turn and give him a dirty look.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking
into the living room from his bedroom.]
Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.
Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan.
Chandler: Oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. (there’s no reaction from Joey) Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate.
Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy’s theory. Okay?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: (triumphantly) I’m gonna be on TV!!
Chandler: No way!
Ross: Yeah! They’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel’s gonna film it!
Chandler: Oh my God! Who’s gonna watch that?!
Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?
Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)
Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.
Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and throws it on the floor.)
Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea) Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won’t live to see the fourth of July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little baby
chick) Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!
[Scene: The Moondance Diner: Pete is entering, Monica is on roller skates.]
Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you’re back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him)
Pete: Wow! Skates!
(She gets just about all the way over to him and falls into his arms.)
Monica: Wow! You’re a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you’re trip?
Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her)
Monica: Oh, what’d ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee?
Pete: Yeah, sure, that’d be great.
(She starts to go and get the coffee and falls behind the counter.)
Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?
Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.
Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)
Pete: So ask me what I did today.
Monica: So what did you do today Pete?
Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef.
Monica: What?! Oh.(She turns around quickly and falls)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling Rachel about Pete’s offer.]
Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake breasts) But Pete’s
just doing this because he has a crush on me.
Rachel: And you’re still not attracted to him at all?
Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can’t. I
couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.
Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher.
Monica: Oh, please.
(She slaps Rachel’s side and Rachel screams in pain.)
Monica: What? Honey.
Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday.
Monica: Oh God, I’m so sorry.
Rachel: I know.
(Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)
Monica: Oh God!
Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?
Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a river boat?
Ross: Y'know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like.
Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?
Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross! I’m kidding!
Rachel: Yeah, come here!
Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?!
Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]
Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.
Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.
Chandler: Okay, so I guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.
Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!