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Friends - 3x20 - The Dollhouse

By Antonio Marshall,2014-01-20 23:37
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Friends - 3x20 - The Dollhouse

    The One With The Dollhouse

Written by: Wil Calhoun

    Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen

    [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only

    woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!

Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you?

Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?

Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and

    touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping

    out my heart!

Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

    Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.

Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.

    Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way.

Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.

    Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?

Ross: You get the dollhouse.

Monica: I get the dollhouse!

    Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?

Phoebe: No, just a barrel.

Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.

Phoebe: Really?! Really?!

    Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.

    Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

    OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]

Rachel: Hey, Sophie!

Sophie: Hey, Rach!

Chandler: Hey.

Sophie: Hey.

    Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.

Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)

    Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?

Chandler: Yes, I realise that.

Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)

Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)

[Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters]

    Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me.

    Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.

Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name.

    Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.

Joanna: Me too.

Rachel: Bye, Chandler.

Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him?

    Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.

    Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?

Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone!

    Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.

Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too?

    Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?

Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.

Joanna: I know that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge

    dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]

Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little

    loose. Hardwood floors!!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hello.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful.

Monica: I know!!!

Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play.

Monica: Okay.

    Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to

    the house.)

Monica: What’s this?

Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog.

Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.

Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.

    Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?

Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.

Monica: I don’t want a ghost.

    Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

    Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.

Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

All: Hello.

Rachel: I need to talk to you!

Ross: Sure, what’s up?

Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.

Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)

    Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.

    Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...

    Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man!