The One With The Dollhouse
Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only
woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!
Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you?
Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and
touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping
out my heart!
Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross: You get the dollhouse.
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?! Really?!
Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Sophie: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.
Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?
Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me.
Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name.
Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
Joanna: Me too.
Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone!
Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too?
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?
Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna: I know that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge
dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]
Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little
loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful.
Monica: I know!!!
Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to
Monica: What’s this?
Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.
Monica: I don’t want a ghost.
Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: I need to talk to you!
Ross: Sure, what’s up?
Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...
Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man!
Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?
Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me.
Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that’s it, that’s it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They’re not the right size, they’re not Victorian, and they just don’t go.
Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we’re not welcome
in the house of no imagination.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof!
Phoebe: The little ones do.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]
Joey: Hey, Kate!
Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...
Woman: Hi, oh, I’m Lauren, Kate’s understudy.
Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren: I know! I-I’m a big fan of yours.
Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!
Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.
Joey: Get out of here, really?!
Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you’re so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Lauren: Cool! I-I’ll see you then.
Joey: All right.
The Director: All right, it’s time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]
Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
Ross: Hey, what’s this?!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down
Monica: It’s very interesting, Phoebe.
Rachel: What’s this?
Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)
Rachel: All right!
Ross: I would!
Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)
Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father’s house does that!
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a
cool, crisp New York evening.
Chandler: Of course, I didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna’s such a big,
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Joanna’s telling Rachel, her side of the story.]
Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to
pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
Rachel: Oh, I....
Joanna: Oh, and he’s got such a good heart! Doesn’t he have a good heart?
Rachel: Oh, I know...
Joanna: Oh, I know and he’s soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.
Sophie: Isn’t this great?!
Joanna: Don’t spoil it.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?
[A phone rings.]
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It’s you. Just ah, just one-one sec.
(to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will
appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the
moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Joey: (to Kate) That guy’s like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating.
Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with?
Kate: I don’t care. Why, do you want me to care?
Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?
Kate: Do you?
The Director: (returning) Okay, I’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say?
Kate: I’ve got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I’ll see you in the morning. (exits)
Kate: I can’t believe we go on in, in a week.
Joey: Hey, it’s gonna be all right.
Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint
Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?
Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
Lauren: Oh, okay.
Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
Lauren: I’ll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
Lauren: G’night. (exits)
Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don’t know.
Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....
[cut to Joey’s bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I had in mind.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]
Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)
Ross: It’s a little early to be drinkin’.
Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
Monica: You’re kidding?! That’s great!
Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
Monica: Oh my.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he’s been processed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’
Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her?
Chandler: That’s what you say at the end of a date.
Rachel: You can’t just say, ‘Nice to meet you, good night?’
Chandler: To her face? Look it’s the end of the date, I’m standing there, I know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘I’ll call her’ and it’s just y'know, comes out. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion.
Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you?
Rachel: Well, they always called.
Monica: Hmm, bite me.
[Scene: Rachel’s office.]
Joanna: (entering) Did he call?