The One With The Dollhouse
Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only
woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!
Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it’s like to be you?
Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and
touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping
out my heart!
Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross: You get the dollhouse.
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?! Really?!
Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Sophie: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.
Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?
Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Chandler: That’s the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel’s boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don’t work for me.
Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name.
Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
Joanna: Me too.
Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what’s wrong with him?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone!
Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too?
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?
Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna: I know that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It’s a huge
dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]
Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little
loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful.
Monica: I know!!!
Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to
Monica: What’s this?
Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.
Monica: I don’t want a ghost.
Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: I need to talk to you!
Ross: Sure, what’s up?
Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...
Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man!