The World According to Webb
Top Ten Ways to Stay Fat in Frankfort
Three years ago, I was fat and happy. Before that there was no measure to be used that
would not derive the same description of my condition: meaning I was obese. So to
accomplish “fat” was admirable indeed. I had to thank Dr. Dead-From-Cholesteral-
Poisening Adkins for my success. But it was short lived. Now after two glorious years
eating my self into a calorie induced, euphoric coma, I am back in the obese category and
climbing. A few more years in this town and I will progress to the “Mom why’s that guy
so fat?” category, the one where little kids point and stare and say things that embarrass
How did it happen? How did I go from “hey I can see your chin?” to having multiple
versions just below my mouth? I blame food, mostly, and the fact that there is a lot of it
available. But there has to more to it. So after some shoddy analysis, I came up with
reasons: the top ten reasons why I can’t lose weight in Frankfort. Here they are in
reverse random order:
10) McDonald’s takes plastic. This one fact goes down as the most brilliant move by a
meat-patty-flipping corporation since adding cheese to the burger. But stick with
Frankfort’s two stores. Definitely steer clear of the one in Richton Park because if you want lunch, you better get there before breakfast: the service is that slow. The two in
Frankfort have it wired, even at peak times. How can you avoid a place that makes fast
food so utterly convenient – and I don’t need cash! What is needed here is a complete breakdown of their system like if they were to hire a team of Wookie fry cooks. There’d
be hair everywhere and no one would eat the hairy food. Then I could lose some weight.
9) Too much #$%^&!! Pizza! The kids love Aurelios; I prefer Villa Rosa – Tony makes
one mean “Za” – but no matter what your preference, there are lots of choices: baked,
stuffed, New York style, pan pizza, pizza rolls, calzones (incognito pizza) and everybody
delivers. In LA, you can’t get a decent pizza. I mean those people put fruit on their pizza.
That’s un-American. Criminal! If this town ever opens a California Pizza Kitchen,
which amounts to nothing more than pizza sauce and goat cheese on a large circular
cracker (I am not making this up) it will be easy to lose weight. But for now, there
are…um…oh what the heck, where’s the phone? I need to make a call.
8) Speaking of innovations, how about drive-up doughnut shops as an extension of deep-
fried pleasure. You drive up, order a couple of frosted delicacies, and you can have them
finished before they hand you the change. Hats off to Dunkin Doughnuts.
7) Unlike twenty years ago - a time when caffeine wasn’t the enemy, a coffee filter sufficed as a breaking innovation, and 25 cents satisfied your craving - today we have
coffee with funny names: and calories! I mean the goofier the name the more fattening
the drink. How about a cup of house blend? Zero calories. But ask for a Grande latte cappuccino, skinny, with double entendre allegro sauce, organic mocha mix (on the dry side) and fresh Columbian avocado extract sprinkles, and you could live off the calories for a week without even realizing there isn’t any coffee in there! The real problem is with places like Starbucks where a man can’t order a large black coffee anymore. The
alternative is far to intriguing. I am partial to decaf Grande cappuccinos with skim milk and chocolate sprinkles.
6) Every sporting event requires a snack. At what point in the history of this country did we suddenly require a food related motivation for young children to attend a participatory sporting event? When I was young we used to get ice cream if we won: and only if we won. Now we give them all sorts of sugar laden delicacies just for showing up. The problem is that no matte where you go, snacks abound and there are always extras. Can’t let those go to waist… um… I mean waste.
5) The worst Chinese take-out in town is still the best food to be had. One can devour fifty dollars worth of Chinese food and be hungry two hours later, which serves notice as the greatest repeat business strategy I have ever seen. I recommend the Kung Pau Chicken as it is on the FDA’s hit list as one of the most dangerous foods on the planet:
more fat and sodium than you need in a week and enough cholesterol to clog a sewer. Good stuff that Kung Pau.
4) Despite what that dork on the commercials says about submarine sandwiches, the second most dangerous food on the FDA’s hit list is a Subway BMT. Buy it with the
Italian bread and you have heaven on a bun. By the way vegetables have always been used as, always will be used as, always have been designed to be used as, and have always been grown to be used as compliments to a meal and not a meal in and of themselves. I know many vegetarians will disagree, but I know that a BMT could convert Gandhi into a meat eater.
3) Frankfort has more Italian restaurants than there are banks. There is a parallel. Most Italian restaurants have lots of cash on them yet they don’t need to comply with those
pesky FDIC rules. But I digress. The root of the problem is that Italian food means pasta, pasta means carbohydrates, carbohydrates means you must cover it in a sauce or it just tastes like pasta, and Italian sauces are liquid ecstasy. The only thing low-cal in an Italian restaurant is the toothpick that you grab on the way out.
2) Fall Fest will mess up anyone’s diet. The aroma of the food court alone will add inches to your gullet. A man can go the entire year dieting, eating salads and free-range chicken – as opposed to incarcerated-range chicken – and failing to eat any ice cream
only to have it fall apart over one Labor Day weekend at Fall Fest. Sounds depressing but what a way to go down!
1) The number one reason why I can’t lose weight in Frankfort? The Creamery has yet to be hit by a meteor. Never mind that this culinary gold mine is owned by the same guy who serves us overpriced gas; this joint and Treat Street just off the Old Plank Road Trail
in downtown are by and large responsible for at least three of my new chins and there is
no escaping them. Even when we exercise we ride our bikes to one sometimes both. I
clumsily hop off the bike and eat like I have never seen ice cream before in my life and
then roll my engorged carcass downhill towards the house.
I could derive about forty more reasons, but this is taking too much out of me. Am man
needs sustenance. I’m thinking Mexican.