—Can I help you, sir?
—We want a meal.
—What sort of meal? A hot one or a cold one?
—A salad, I think.
—Which one, sir? A ham or a beef salad?
—What's this sort of salad in English?
—Which one are you looking at, sir?
—That one over there, next to the bread rolls. —That's a beef salad, sir.
—Thank you. Is there any rye bread?
—No, I'm sorry. There are plenty of rolls.
—Excuse me, sir, where do you come from?
—We come from Copenhagen.
—You speak English very well.
—What are you doing at the moment?
—We're visiting London.
—What do you both do?
—We are teachers.
—Do you like your salad?
—Yes. It's nice and fresh. Is yours good, too? —No. Mine is rather tasteless.
—You need some salt and some olive oil.
—Allow me to fetch you a chair.
—Thank you, but I've just asked the waiter to get me one. —Let me get you a drink, then.
—Thank you again, but look, John's bringing me one now. —I don't seem to be very useful, do I?
—Don't say that. There's always another time, you know.
Man: Three gin and tonics please.
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir, but we're not allowed to serve drinks before twelve o'clock midday. Would
you like me to bring you something else? Some coffee?
Man: Waiter, this table-cloth is a disgrace. It's covered with soup stains.
Waiter: Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. It should have been changed before. If you'll just wait one moment ...
Man: Waiter. I can't quite understand how you manage to get ten marks plus twelve marks plus
sixty-five marks fifty pennies to add up to one hundred and seventy-seven marks fifty pennies.
Waiter: One moment, I'll just check it, sir. You're quite right, sir. I can't understand how such a mistake could have been made. I do apologize, sir.
Interviewer: Now let's go back to your first novel, Rag Doll. When did you write that? Writer: Rag Doll, yes. I wrote that in 1960, a year after I left school.
Interviewer: How old were you then?
Writer: Um, eighteen? Yes, eighteen, because a year later I went to Indonesia. Interviewer: Mm. And of course it was your experience in Indonesia that inspired your film Eastern Moon.
Writer: Yes, that's right, although I didn't actually make Eastern Moon until 1978. Interviewer: And you worked in television for a time too.
Writer: Yes, I started making documentaries for television in 1973, when I was thirty. That was after I gave up farming.
Writer: Yes, that's right. You see, I stayed in Indonesia for eight years. I met my wife there in 1965, and after we came back we bought a farm in the West of England, in 1970. A kind of experiment, really.
Interviewer: But you gave it up three years later.
Writer: Well, yes. You see it was very hard work, and I was also very busy working on my second novel, The Cold Earth, which came out in 1975.
Interviewer: Yes, that was a best-seller, wasn't it?
Writer: Yes, it was, and that's why only two years after that I was able to give up television work and concentrate on films and that sort of thing. And after that ...
Shop Assistant: Harling's Hardware.
Customer: Hello. I'd like to buy a new fridge. I can't afford a very expensive one, and it mustn't be more than 140 cm high.
Shop Assistant: Right. I think I have one here. Wait a moment. Yes, here we are. It's 50 cm wide and 130 cm high.
Customer: Oh. And how much is it?
Shop Assistant: It's one hundred and twenty-nine pounds, very cheap.
Customer: I'll come over and have a look at it.
A: Good morning. Can I help you?
B: Yes. I'd like to find my perfect partner.
A: I see. Well, if you could just answer a few questions?
A: First of all, what age would you like your partner to be?
B: About twenty. Not more than twenty-five, anyway.
A: Okay. And what sort of build?
B: What do you mean?
A: Well, would you like someone who is very slim or would you prefer someone rather more plump?
B: Ah, I see what you mean. I don't think I mind, actually. A: And what about height?
B: Oh, not too tall.
A: So, medium-height?
B: Yes, and long hair.
A: Any particular color?
B: No. As long as it's long, it doesn't matter what color. A: Good. Now, is there anything else at all? B: Well, obviously I'd like someone good-looking. A: Well, we'll see what we can do. Would you like to fill in this form in the next room and I'll call
C: Hello. Is this the Perfect Partners office? A: That's right.
C: I'm interested in meeting someone new.
A: Well, you've certainly come to the right p1ace. What sort of person are you looking for?
C: Oh, someone tall, dark and handsome.
A: I see. And what sort of age?
C: Oh, mid-twenties, I suppose.
A: Well, I might have just the person for you. Could I just ask how old you are?
A: Good. Could you just wait here a minute? (C puzzled)
(A goes and fetches B)
A: This doesn't usually happen, but I think I've found just the person for you.
B: Oh, no!
C: Not you!
B: What are you doing here?
C: I think I should be asking you that.
B: Well, I just wanted to ... (interrupted by A) A: Excuse me, but what's going on?
C: That's my husband.
B: And that's my wife.
A: But you're just right for each other, from what you told me. (Pause)
B: Yes ... I see what you mean.
C: I suppose it's true. You are what I'm looking for. B: Oh, darling. Why did we ever leave each other? C: I don't know, but it's not too late, is it? B: No. (they embrace)
A: Excuse me.
B & C: (surprised) Sorry?
A: That'll be twenty-five pounds please!
47 Riverside Road, London SE1 4LP.
10th May, 1989
Thanks for your letter. I'm sorry I haven't answered it sooner but writing is difficult at the moment.
I fell off my bike last week and broke my arm. It isn't anything very serious and I'll be OK in a
Your holiday sounds fantastic. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Someone at work went to Jamaica last year
and had a wonderful time. When are you going exactly? I hope you'll have good weather.
There isn't really much more news from here. I'll write a longer letter in a few weeks. Send me a
postcard and give my regards to everyone.
—I want to fly to Geneva on or about the first. —I'll just see what there is.
—I want to go economy, and I'd prefer the morning. —Lufthansa Flight LH 203 leaves at 0920.
—What time do I have to be there?
—The coach leaves for the airport at 0815.
—You must have some more chicken.
—No, thanks. I'm supposed to be slimming.
—Can't I tempt you?
—Well, maybe I could manage a very small piece.
—I expect you could do with a cup of tea, couldn't you? —I'd rather have a cup of coffee, if you don't mind. —Milk and sugar?
—A milky one without sugar, please,
—What would you like to drink?
—A black coffee for me, please.
—How about something to eat?
—Yes, I'd love a portion of that strawberry tart. —Right. I'll see if I can catch the waitress's eye.
—Can I take your order, sir?
—Yes. I'd like to try the steak, please.
—And to follow?
—Ice cream, please.
—Can I help you, madam?
—Is there a bank at this hotel?
—Yes, madam, the International Bank has an office on the ground floor of the hotel. —Is it open yet?
—Yes, madam, the bank is open from Monday to Friday from 9:30 am till 3 pm. —Thank you.
—Can I still get breakfast in the brasserie?
—Yes, sir, if you hurry you can just make it—breakfast is served until 10:30.
—How soon do I have to leave my room?
—Normally it's by 12 noon on the day of your departure.
—Well, you see, my plane doesn't go till half past five tomorrow afternoon. —I see. Which room is it, madam?
—Room 577—the name is Browning.
—Ah yes, Mrs. Browning. You may keep the room till 3 pm if you wish. —Oh, that's nice. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Henderson has just answered the telephone. Frank wasn't in so she had to take a message for
him. Listen to the conversation and look at the message she wrote. Julie: 789 6443. Who's calling, please?
Paul: Paul Clark here. Can I speak to Mr. Henderson, please?
Julie: Sorry, he's out at the moment. Can I take a message?
Paul: Yes, please. Could you tell him that his car will be ready by 6 pm on Thursday? Julie: Yes, of course. I'll do that. What's your number, in case he wants to ring you? Paul: 2748 double 53.
Julie: (repeating) 2 ... 7 ... 4, 8 ... double 5 ... 3. Thank you. Goodbye.
Male: 268 7435. Who's calling?
Female: This is Helen Adams. Could I speak to my husband?
Male: Sorry, Mr. Adams is out. Can I take a message?
Female: Could you tell him that my mother is arriving on Thursday? At about 1 pm. Male: Right, Mrs. Adams. I'll do that. Where are you, in case he wants to ring you? Female: I'm not at home. The number here is 773 3298.
Male: (repeating the number) 773 3298. Thank you. Goodbye.
Female: 575 4661. Who's calling, please?
Male: This is Mr. Jones from the Daily Star. I'd like to talk to Mr. Henderson. Female: Sorry, I'm afraid he isn't in. Can I take a message?
Male: Yes... Please tell him that the advertisement will definitely be in Friday's paper. That's Friday, the 13th of this month.
Female: Certainly, Mr. Jones. What's the phone number, in case he has forgotten. Male: My number? (astounded) The number of the Daily Star? Everyone knows it. (chanting) 123 4567.
Female: (laughing and repeating) 1-2-3 4-5-6-7. Thank you. Mr. Jones.
Shopkeeper: Yes, Mrs. Davies? What could we do for you today?
Mrs. Davies: I want to order some foods.
Shopkeeper: Well, I thought that might be the reason you came here, Mrs. Davies. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Mrs. Davies: But I want rather a lot, so you'll have to deliver it.
Shopkeeper: That's perfectly all right. You just order whatever you like and we'll send it straight round to your house this afternoon.
Mrs. Davies: Right. Well, first of all I want two boxes of baked beans.
Shopkeeper: You mean two tins?
Mrs. Davies: No, I mean two boxes. Two boxes of tins of baked beans.
Shopkeeper: But each box contains forty-eight tins. Are you really sure you want so many? I mean, it would take a long time to eat so many.
Mrs. Davies: Who said anything about eating them? I'm saving them.
Shopkeeper: Saving them?
Mrs. Davies: Yes, for the war.
Shopkeeper: War? Are we going to have a war?
Mrs. Davies: You never know. I'm not taking any chances. I read the papers. You're not going to catch me stuck in the house without a thing to eat. So put down two boxes of baked beans, will you? And three boxes of rice, five boxes of spaghetti and you'd better send me a hundred tins of tomato sauce to go with it. Have you got that?
Shopkeeper: Yes, two boxes of baked beans, three boxes of rice, five boxes of spaghetti and a hundred tins of tomato sauce. But I'm not sure we have all these things in stock. I mean not that amount.
Mrs. Davies: How soon can you get them, then?
Shopkeeper: Well, within the next few days. I don't suppose you'll be needing them before then, will you?
Mrs. Davies: You never can tell. It's touch and go. I was watching the nice man on the television last night. You know, the one with the nice teeth. Lovely smile he's got. And he said, 'Well, you never can tell. And that set me thinking, you see. Anyway, you just deliver them as soon as you can. I shan't be going out again after today. Now ... now what else? Ah yes, tea and sugar. I'd better have a couple of boxes of each of those. No ... no make if four of sugar. I've got a sweet tooth. Shopkeeper: So two boxes of tea and four boxes of sugar. Anything else? It doesn't sound a very interesting diet. How about half a dozen boxes of tinned fish?
Mrs. Davies: Fish? No, I can't stand fish. Oh, but that reminds me, eight boxes of cat food. Shopkeeper: Cat food?
Mrs. Davies: Yes. Not for me. You don't think I'm going to sit there on my own, do you?
A sailor once went into a pub in a very dark street in Liverpool. He got very drunk there and staggered out around 11 pm. Around midnight, one of his friends found him on his hands and knees in the gutter. "What are you doing there?" he inquired. "I'm looking for my wallet. I think I lost it in that dark street down there," he said. "Well, if you lost it in that street, why are you looking for it here?" the friend demanded. The sailor thought for a moment." Because the light is better here," he answered.
A famous 85-year-old millionaire once gave a lecture at an American university. "I'm going to tell you how to live a long, healthy life and how to get very rich at the same time," he announced. "The secret is very simple. All you have to do is avoid bad habits like drinking and smoking. But you have to get up early every morning, work at least 10 hours a day and save every penny, as well," he said. A young man in the audience stood up. "My father did all those things and yet he died a very poor man at the age of only 39. How do you explain that?" he asked. The millionaire thought for a moment. "It's very simple. He didn't do them for long enough," he answered.
—What flights are there from London to Vienna tomorrow?
—If you'd like to take a seat, I'll find out for you.
—I'd like to travel first class, please.
—BEA Flight BE 502 takes off from Heathrow at 0925, and flies direct.
—What time have I got to get there?
—You'll have to be at West London Air Terminal by 0810 at the latest.
—Another piece of meat pie?
—No, thanks, really. I'm on a diet.
—Please do. You've hardly eaten anything.
—It's delicious, but I don't think l ought to.
—How about a nice cup of tea before you go?
—Yes, I'd love one.
—How do you like it?
—A strong one with three spoons for me, please.
—What are you going to have to drink?
—I'd like something cool.
—Would you care for some cake?
—Yes, I'll try a piece of cheese cake.
—It certainly looks tempting. I wouldn't mind some myself.
—Have you chosen something, sir?
—Yes, I think I'll have the curry, please. —What would you like afterwards?
—I'd like some fruit if you have any.
—Would you like a cigarette?
—No, thanks. I'm trying to cut down.
—Go on. I owe you one from yesterday.
—OK, but next time you must have one of mine.
—I wonder if you could help me—I'm looking for a room.
—I have got a vacancy, yes.
—What sort of price are you asking?
—Eight pounds fifty a week excluding laundry. —Would it be convenient to see the room?
—Can you call back later? We're right in the middle of lunch.
—Will Dr. Black be able to see me at about 9:15 tomorrow? —Sorry, but he's fully booked till eleven unless there's a cancellation.
—Would ten to one be convenient?
—Yes, he's free then.
—Can you fix me up with a part-time job?
—Anything in particular that appeals to you? —I was rather hoping to find something in a school. —Have you done that kind of thing before?
—Yes, I was doing the same job last summer. —I might be able to help you, but I'd need references.
(Mr. Radford has just dropped in for a quick lunch.) Waitress: A table for one, sir?
Mr. Radford: Yes, please.
Waitress: Are you having the set lunch?
Mr. Radford: Yes.
Waitress: What would you like to start with? Mr. Radford: What's the soup of the day?
Mr. Radford: Yes, please. I'll have that.
Waitress: And for your main course?
Mr. Radford: The plaice, I think, and apple tart to follow. Waitress: Would you like something to drink with your meal? Mr. Radford: Yes. A lager please.
Waitress: Thank you.
Waiter: Good afternoon.
Mr. Blackmore: Good afternoon. I have a table for two under the name of Blackmore.
Waiter: Yes, sir. Would you like to come this way? Mr. Blackmore: Thank you.
Waiter: Can I take your coat, madam?
Mrs. Blackmore: Thank you.
Waiter: Will this table do for you?
Mr. Blackmore: That will be fine, thanks.
Waitress: Would you like a drink before your meal? Mrs. Blackmore: Yes. A dry sherry, please.
Mr. Blackmore: Half of bitter for me.
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Mr. Blackmore: Yes, I think so.
Waiter: What would you like for starters, madam? Mrs. Blackmore: I can't decide. What do you recommend? Waiter: Well, the prawns are always popular. The patè is very good ... Mrs. Blackmore: The prawns then please, for me. Waiter: And for you, sir?
Mr. Blackmore: I think I'll try the soup.
Waiter: Very good, sir. And to follow?
Mrs. Blackmore: Rack of lamb, I think.
Waiter: And for you, sir?
Mr. Blackmore: I'll have the steak.
Waiter: How would you like your steak done, sir? Mr. Blackmore: Medium rare, please.
Waiter: Thank you. Would you like to see the wine list? Mr. Blackmore: Do you have a house wine?
Waiter: Yes, sir. Red or white?
Mr. Blackmore: Do you have half bottles or half carafes? Waiter: Yes, sir.
Mr. Blackmore: One of each then, please.
Reporter: Now, Susan. You've had a few minutes to rest. Can you tell us something about yourself?
How old are you and what do you do?
Susan: I'm twenty-two and I'm a bus conductress. Reporter: A bus conductress! So you're used to collecting money. Who taught you to cycle?
Susan: Nobody. I taught myself. I've been cycling since I was five. Reporter: And who bought that beautiful racing cycle for you?
Susan: I bought it myself. I worked overtime.
Reporter: Good for you! And what are you going to do now?
Susan; Now? If you mean this minute, I'm going to have a long hot bath.
Reporter: You must need to relax. Again, congratulations. That was Susan James, winner of this year's London to Brighton cycle race.
I hope I never grow old! My grandfather lives with us and he's making my life a misery. When I was small he was kind and cheerful. But now he's always complaining and criticising. I mustn't interrupt when he's talking. It's rude. He doesn't like my clothes. 'Nice girls don't dress like that.' I shouldn't wear make-up. 'Natural beauty is best.' Sometimes he interferes with my homework. 'When I was young we used to do maths differently,' he says. Honestly, he's so old he doesn't know anything. But that doesn't stop him criticising me. He doesn't like my friends or my favorite records. 'You're making too much noise,' he calls. 'I can't get to sleep.' When he's not complaining he's asking questions. 'Where are you going? Where have you been? Why aren't you helping your mother?' He thinks I'm six, not sixteen. Anyway, why can't I do what I like? It's my life, not his.
Philip is a very interesting boy. He is clever but he doesn't like school. He hates studying but he is very keen on learning new practical skills. In his spare time he often repairs motorbikes. He likes helping the neighbours in their vegetable gardens, too.
—How shall I do it, sir?
—Just tidy it up a bit, please.
—Do you want some spray?
—No, nothing at all. Thank you very much.
—Is anybody looking after you?
—No. I'm after a size 40 V-neck pullover in grey.
—The best I can do is a 36.
—Could you order me one?
—I should imagine so, yes. If you leave your address, I'll contact you.
—How much is this greetings telegram to Germany, please?
—I'll just make sure. Anything else?
—Yes. Half a dozen air mail labels and a book of stamps.
—Seventy-five pence exactly, please.
—I keep feeling dizzy, and I've got a headache.
—How long has this been going on?
—It came on yesterday.