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The_Yellow_Wallpaper

By Lee Holmes,2014-07-02 15:14
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    The Yellow Wallpaper

    It is very seldom that mere ordinary people like John and myself secure ancestral halls for the summer.

    A colonial mansion, a hereditary estate, I would say a haunted house, and reach the height of romantic felicitybut that would be asking too much of fate!

    Still I will proudly declare that there is something queer about it. Else, why should it be let so cheaply? And why have stood so long untenanted? John laughs at me, of course, but one expects that in marriage. John is practical in the extreme. He has no patience with faith, an intense horror of superstition, and he scoffs openly at any talk of things not to be felt and seen and put down in figures.

    John is a physician, and perhaps(I would not say it to a living soul, of course,

    but this is dead paper and a great relief to my mind)perhaps that is one reason I do

    not get well faster.

    You see he does not believe I am sick! And what can one do?

    If a physician of high standing, and one's own husband, assures friends and relatives that there is really nothing the matter with one but temporary nervous

    a slight hysterical tendencywhat is one to do? depression--

    My brother is also a physician, and also of high standing, and he says the same thing.

    So I take phosphates or phosphiteswhichever it isand tonics, and air and

    exercise, and journeys, and am absolutely forbidden to work until I am well again.

    Personally, I disagree with their ideas.

    Personally, I believe that congenial work, with excitement and change, would do me good.

    But what is one to do?

    I did write for a while in spite of them; but it does exhaust me a good deal

    having to be so sly about it, or else meet with heavy opposition. I sometimes fancy that my condition, if I had less opposition and more society and

    stimulusbut John says the very worst thing I can do is to think about my condition,

    and I confess it always makes me feel bad.

    So I will let it alone and talk about the house.

    The most beautiful place! It is quite alone, standing well back from the road, quite

    three miles from the village. It makes me think of English places that you read about,

    for there are hedges and walls and gates that lock, and lots of separate little houses for

    the gardeners and people.

    There is a delicious garden! I never saw such a gardenlarge and shady, full of

    box-bordered paths, and lined with long grape-covered arbors with seats under them.

    There were greenhouses, but they are all broken now.

    There was some legal trouble, I believe, something about the heirs and coheirs; anyhow, the place has been empty for years.

That spoils my ghostliness, I am afraid, but I don't carethere is something

    strange about the houseI can feel it.

    I even said so to John one moonlight evening, but he said what I felt was a draught,

    and shut the window.

    I get unreasonably angry with John sometimes. I’m sure I never used to be so

    sensitive. I think it is due to this nervous condition.

    But John says if I feel so, I shall neglect proper self-control; so I take pains to

    control myselfbefore him, at least, and that makes me very tired.

    I don't like our room a bit. I wanted one downstairs that opened onto the piazza and had roses all over the window, and such pretty old-fashioned chintz hangings! But John would not hear of it.

    He said there was only one window and not room for two beds, and no near room for him if he took another.

    He is very careful and loving, and hardly lets me stir without special direction.

    I have a schedule prescription for each hour in the day; he takes all care from me, and so I feel basely ungrateful not to value it more.

    He said he came here solely on my account, that I was to have perfect rest and all the air I could get. “Your exercise depends on your strength, my dear,” said he, “and

    your food somewhat on your appetite; but air you can absorb all the time. So we took

    the nursery at the top of the house.

    It is a big, airy room, the whole floor nearly, with windows that look all ways, and air and sunshine galore. It was nursery first, and then playroom and gymnasium, I should judge, for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the walls.

    The paint and paper look as if a boys' school had used it. It is stripped offthe

    paperin great patches all around the head of my bed, about as far as I can reach, and in a great place on the other side of the room low down. I never saw a worse paper in my life. One of those sprawling, flamboyant patterns committing every artistic sin.

    It is dull enough to confuse the eye in following, pronounced enough constantly to irritate and provoke study, and when you follow the lame uncertain curves for a little distance they suddenly commit suicideplunge off at outrageous angles, destroy

    themselves in unheard-of contradictions.

    The color is repellent, almost revolting; a smouldering unclean yellow, strangely faded by the slow-turning sunlight. It is a dull yet lurid orange in some places, a sickly sulphur tint in others.

    No wonder the children hated it! I should hate it myself if I had to live in this

    room long.

    There comes John, and I must put this awayhe hates to have me write a word.

We have been here two weeks, and I haven’t felt like writing before, since that first

    day.

    I am sitting by the window now, up in this atrocious nursery, and there is nothing to hinder my writing as much as I please, save lack of strength.

    John is away all day, and even some nights when his cases are serious.

I am glad my case is not serious!

    But these nervous troubles are dreadfully depressing.

    John does not know how much I really suffer. He knows there is no reason to suffer, and that satisfies him.

    Of course it is only nervousness. It does weigh on me so not to do my duty in any way!

    I meant to be such a help to John, such a real rest and comfort, and here I am a comparative burden already!

    to dress and Nobody would believe what an effort it is to do what little I am able

    entertain, and other things.

    It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby!

    And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous.

    I suppose John never was nervous in his life. He laughs at me so about this wall-paper!

    At first he meant to repaper the room, but afterwards he said that I was letting it get the better of me, and that nothing was worse for a nervous patient than to give way to such fancies.

    He said that after the wallpaper was changed it would be the heavy bedstead, and then the barred windows, and then that gate at the head of the stairs, and so on.

    You know the place is doing you good, he said, and really, dear. I dont care to

    renovate the house just for a three months rental.

    Then do let us go downstairs, I said. There are such pretty rooms there.

    Then he took me in his arms and called me a blessed little goose, and said he would go down cellar, if I wished, and have it whitewashed into the bargain.

    But he is right enough about the beds and windows and things.

    It is as airy and comfortable a room as any one need wish, and, of course, I would not be so silly as to make him uncomfortable just for a whim.

    Im really getting quite fond of the big room, all but that horrid paper.

    Out of one window I can see the gardenthose mysterious deep-shaded arbors, the

    riotous old-fashioned flowers, and bushes and gnarly trees.

    Out of another I get a lovely view of the bay and a little private wharf belonging to the estate. There is a beautiful shaded lane that runs down there from the house. I always fancy I see people walking in these numerous paths and arbors, but John has cautioned me not to give way to fancy in the least. He says that with my imaginative power and habit of story-making, a nervous weakness like mine is sure to lead to all manner of excited fancies, and that I ought to use my will and good sense to check the tendency. So I try.

    I think sometimes that if I were only well enough to write a little it would relieve the press of ideas and rest me.

    But I find I get pretty tired when I try.

    It is so discouraging not to have any advice and companionship about my work.

    When I get really well, John says we will ask Cousin Henry and Julia down for a long

    visit; but he says he would as soon put fireworks in my pillow-case as to let me have

    those stimulating people about now.

I wish I could get well faster.

    But I must not think about that. This paper looks to me as if it knew what a vicious

    influence it had!

    There is a recurrent spot where the pattern lolls like a broken neck and two bulbous

    eyes stare at you upside down.

    I get positively angry with the impertinence of it and the everlastingness. Up and down and sideways they crawl, and those absurd unblinking eyes are everywhere. There is one place where two breadths didn’t match, and the eyes go all up and down

    the line, one a little higher than the other.

    I never saw so much expression in an inanimate thing before, and we all know how much expression they have! I used to lie awake as a child and get more entertainment and terror out of blank walls and plain furniture than most children could find in a toy store.

    I remember what a kindly wink the knobs of our big old bureau used to have, and there was one chair that always seemed like a strong friend.

    I used to feel that if any of the other things looked too fierce I could always hop into that chair and be safe.

    The furniture in this room is no worse than inharmonious, however, for we had to bring it all from downstairs. I suppose when this was used as a playroom they had to take the nursery things out, and no wonder! I never saw such ravages as the children have made here.

    The wallpaper, as I said before, is torn off in spots, and it sticketh closer than a brotherthey must have had perseverance as well as hatred.

    Then the floor is scratched and gouged and splintered, the plaster itself is dug out here and there, and this great heavy bed, which is all we found in the room, looks as if it had been through the wars.

    But I dont mind it a bitonly the paper.

    There comes John’s sister. Such a dear girl as she is, and so careful of me! I must not let her find me writing.

    She is a perfect and enthusiastic housekeeper, and hopes for no better profession. I verily believe she thinks it is the writing which made me sick!

    But I can write when she is out, and see her a long way off from these windows.

    There is one that commands the road, a lovely shaded winding road, and one that just looks off over the country. A lovely country, too, full of great elms and velvet meadows.

    This wallpaper has a kind of sub-pattern in a different shade, a particularly irritating one, for you can only see it in certain lights, and not clearly then.

    But in the places where it isnt faded and where the sun is just soI can see a

    strange, provoking, formless sort of figure that seems to skulk about behind that silly and conspicuous front design.

    Theres sister on the stairs!

Well, the Fourth of July is over! The people are gone, and I am tired out. John

    thought it might do me good to see a little company, so we just had Mother and Nellie

and the children down for a week.

    Of course I didn’t do a thing. Jennie sees to everything now.

    But it tired me all the same.

    John says if I dont pick up faster he shall send me to Weir Mitchell in the fall.

    But I don’t want to go there at all. I had a friend who was in his hands once, and

    she says he is just like John and my brother, only more so!

    Besides, it is such an undertaking to go so far.

    I don’t feel as if it was worthwhile to turn my hand over for anything, and Im

    getting dreadfully fretful and querulous.

    I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time.

    Of course I dont when John is here, or anybody else, but when I am alone.

    And I am alone a good deal just now. John is kept in town very often by serious cases, and Jennie is good and lets me alone when I want her to.

    So I walk a little in the garden or down that lovely lane, sit on the porch under the roses, and lie down up here a good deal.

    I'm getting really fond of the room in spite of the wallpaper. Perhaps because of the

    wallpaper.

    It dwells in my mind so!

    I lie here on this great immovable bedit is nailed down, I believeand follow

    that pattern about by the hour. It is as good as gymnastics, I assure you. I start, we’ll

    say, at the bottom, down in the corner over there where it has not been touched, and I determine for the thousandth time that I will follow that pointless pattern to some sort

    of a conclusion.

    I know a little of the principle of design, and I know this thing was not arranged on any laws of radiation, or alternation, or repetition, or symmetry, or anything else that I ever heard of.

    It is repeated, of course, by the breadths, but not otherwise.

    Looked at in one way, each breadth stands alone; the bloated curves and flourishesa kind of debased Romanesque with delirium tremensgo waddling up

    and down in isolated columns of fatuity.

    But, on the other hand, they connect diagonally, and the sprawling outlines run off in great slanting waves of optic horror, like a lot of wallowing sea-weeds in full chase.

    The whole thing goes horizontally, too, at least it seems so, and I exhaust myself in trying to distinguish the order of its going in that direction.

    They have used a horizontal breadth for a frieze, and that adds wonderfully to the confusion.

    There is one end of the room where it is almost intact, and there, when the crosslights fade and the low sun shines directly upon it, I can almost fancy radiation after allthe interminable grotesque seems to form around a common centre and rush off in headlong plunges of equal distraction.

    It makes me tired to follow it. I will take a nap, I guess.

    I dont know why I should write this.

    I dont want to.

    I dont feel able.

And I know John would think it absurd. But I must say what I feel and think in

    some wayit is such a relief!

    But the effort is getting to be greater than the relief.

    Half the time now I am awfully lazy, and lie down ever so much. John says I

    mustn’t lose my strength, and has me take cod liver oil and lots of tonics and things,

    to say nothing of ale and wine and rare meat.

    Dear John! He loves me very dearly, and hates to have me sick. I tried to have a real earnest reasonable talk with him the other day, and tell him how I wish he would let me go and make a visit to Cousin Henry and Julia.

    But he said I wasnt able to go, nor able to stand it after I got there; and I did not make out a very good case for myself, for I was crying before I had finished.

    It is getting to be a great effort for me to think straight. Just this nervous weakness, I suppose.

    And dear John gathered me up in his arms, and just carried me upstairs and laid me on the bed, and sat by me and read to me till it tired my head.

    He said I was his darling and his comfort and all he had, and that I must take care of myself for his sake, and keep well.

    He says no one but myself can help me out of it, that I must use my will and self-control and not let any silly fancies run away with me.

    Theres one comfortthe baby is well and happy, and does not have to occupy this nursery with the horrid wallpaper.

    If we had not used it, that blessed child would have! What a fortunate escape! Why, I wouldn’t have a child of mine, an impressionable little thing, live in such a room for worlds.

    I never thought of it before, but it is lucky that John kept me here after all; I can stand it so much easier than a baby, you see.

    Of course I never mention it to them any moreI am too wisebut I keep watch

    for it all the same.

    There are things in that wallpaper that nobody knows about but me, or ever will.

    Behind that outside pattern the dim shapes get clearer every day.

    It is always the same shape, only very numerous.

    And it is like a woman stooping down and creeping about behind that pattern. I don’t like it a bit. I wonderI begin to thinkI wish John would take me away from

    here!

    It is so hard to talk with John about my case, because he is so wise, and because he loves me so.

    But I tried it last night.

    It was moonlight. The moon shines in all around just as the sun does.

    I hate to see it sometimes, it creeps so slowly, and always comes in by one window or another.

    John was asleep and I hated to waken him, so I kept still and watched the

    moonlight on that undulating wallpaper till I felt creepy.

    The faint figure behind seemed to shake the pattern, just as if she wanted to get out.

I got up softly and went to feel and see if the paper did move, and when I came

    back John was awake.

    What is it, little girl?” he said. “Dont go walking about like thatyoull get

    cold.

    I thought it was a good time to talk, so I told him that I really was not gaining here, and that I wished he would take me away.

    Why, darling! said he. Our lease will be up in three weeks, and I can’t see how

    to leave before.

    The repairs are not done at home, and I cannot possibly leave town just now. Of

    course, if you were in any danger, I could and would, but you really are better, dear,

    whether you can see it or not. I am a doctor, dear, and I know. You are gaining flesh

    and color, your appetite is better, I feel really much easier about you.

    I dont weigh a bit more, said I, nor as much; and my appetite may be better in

    the evening when you are here but it is worse in the morning when you are away!

    Bless her little heart! said he with a big hug. She shall be as sick as she pleases!

    But now lets improve the shining hours by going to sleep, and talk about it in the

    morning!

    And you wont go away? I asked gloomily.

    “Why, how can I, dear? It is only three weeks more and then we will take a nice

    little trip of a few days while Jennie is getting the house ready. Really, dear, you are

    better!

    “Better in body perhaps—” I began, and stopped short, for he sat up straight and looked at me with such a stern, reproachful look that I could not say another word.

    My darling, said he, I beg of you, for my sake and for our childs sake, as well

    as for your own, that you will never for one instant let that idea enter your mind! There is nothing so dangerous, so fascinating, to a temperament like yours. It is a false and foolish fancy. Can you not trust me as a physician when I tell you so?

    So of course I said no more on that score, and we went to sleep before long. He thought I was asleep first, but I wasn’t and lay there for hours trying to decide

    whether that front pattern and the back pattern really did move together or separately.

    On a pattern like this, by daylight, there is a lack of sequence, a defiance of law, that is a constant irritant to a normal mind.

    The color is hideous enough, and unreliable enough, and infuriating enough, but the pattern is torturing.

    You think you have mastered it, but just as you get well under way in following, it turns a back-somersault and there you are. It slaps you in the face, knocks you down, and tramples upon you. It is like a bad dream.

    The outside pattern is a florid arabesque, reminding one of a fungus. If you can imagine a toadstool in joints, an interminable string of toadstools, budding and sprouting in endless convolutionswhy, that is something like it.

    That is, sometimes!

    There is one marked peculiarity about this paper, a thing nobody seems to notice but myself, and that is that it changes as the light changes.

When the sun shoots in through the east windowI always watch for that first

    long, straight rayit changes so quickly that I never can quite believe it.

    That is why I watch it always.

    By moonlightthe moon shines in all night when there is a moonI wouldnt

    know it was the same paper.

    At night in any kind of light, in twilight, candlelight, lamplight, and worst of all by moonlight, it becomes bars! The outside pattern, I mean, and the woman behind it is as plain as can be.

    I didnt realize for a long time what the thing was that showed behind, that dim sub-pattern, but now I am quite sure it is a woman.

    By daylight she is subdued, quiet. I fancy it is the pattern that keeps her so still. It is so puzzling. It keeps me quiet by the hour.

    I lie down ever so much now. John says it is good for me, and to sleep all I can. Indeed he started the habit by making me lie down for an hour after each meal. It is a very bad habit, I am convinced, for you see, I dont sleep.

    And that cultivates deceit, for I don’t tell them I’m awakeoh, no!

    The fact is I am getting a little afraid of John.

    He seems very queer sometimes, and even Jennie has an inexplicable look. It strikes me occasionally, just as a scientific hypothesis, that perhaps it is the paper!

    I have watched John when he did not know I was looking, and come into the room suddenly on the most innocent excuses, and I’ve caught him several times looking at

    the paper! And Jennie too. I caught Jennie with her hand on it once.

    She didnt know I was in the room, and when I asked her in a quiet, a very quiet voice, with the most restrained manner possible, what she was doing with the paper, she turned around as if she had been caught stealing, and looked quite angryasked

    me why I should frighten her so!

    Then she said that the paper stained everything it touched, that she had found yellow smooches on all my clothes and John’s and she wished we would be more

    careful!

    Did not that sound innocent? But I know she was studying that pattern, and I am determined that nobody shall find it out but myself!

    Life is very much more exciting now than it used to be. You see, I have something more to expect, to look forward to, to watch. I really do eat better, and am more quiet than I was.

    John is so pleased to see me improve! He laughed a little the other day, and said I seemed to be flourishing in spite of my wallpaper.

    I turned it off with a laugh. I had no intention of telling him it was because of the

    wallpaperhe would make fun of me. He might even want to take me away.

    I dont want to leave now until I have found it out. There is a week more, and I think that will be enough.

    Im feeling ever so much better!

    I dont sleep much at night, for it is so interesting to watch developments; but I

sleep a good deal in the daytime.

    In the daytime it is tiresome and perplexing.

    There are always new shoots on the fungus, and new shades of yellow all over it. I cannot keep count of them, though I have tried conscientiously.

    It is the strangest yellow, that wallpaper! It makes me think of all the yellow things

    not beautiful ones like buttercups, but old, foul, bad yellow things. I ever saw

    But there is something else about that paperthe smell! I noticed it the moment

    we came into the room, but with so much air and sun it was not bad. Now we have had a week of fog and rain, and whether the windows are open or not, the smell is here.

    It creeps all over the house.

    I find it hovering in the dining-room, skulking in the parlor, hiding in the hall, lying in wait for me on the stairs.

    It gets into my hair.

    Even when I go to ride, if I turn my head suddenly and surprise itthere is that

    smell!

    Such a peculiar odor, too! I have spent hours in trying to analyze it, to find what it smelled like.

    It is not badat firstand very gentle, but quite the subtlest, most enduring odor I ever met.

    In this damp weather it is awful. I wake up in the night and find it hanging over me.

    It used to disturb me at first. I thought seriously of burning the houseto reach the

    smell.

    But now I am used to it. The only thing I can think of that it is like is the color of

    the paper! A yellow smell.

    There is a very funny mark on this wall, low down, near the mopboard. A streak that runs round the room. It goes behind every piece of furniture, except the bed, a long, straight, even smooch, as if it had been rubbed over and over.

    I wonder how it was done and who did it, and what they did it for. Round and round and roundround and round and roundit makes me dizzy!

I really have discovered something at last.

    Through watching so much at night, when it changes so, I have finally found out. The front pattern does moveand no wonder! The woman behind shakes it!

    Sometimes I think there are a great many women behind, and sometimes only one, and she crawls around fast, and her crawling shakes it all over.

    Then in the very bright spots she keeps still, and in the very shady spots she just takes hold of the bars and shakes them hard.

    And she is all the time trying to climb through. But nobody could climb through that patternit strangles so; I think that is why it has so many heads.

    They get through, and then the pattern strangles them off and turns them upside down, and makes their eyes white!

    If those heads were covered or taken off it would not be half so bad.

I think that woman gets out in the daytime!

    And Ill tell you whyprivately—I’ve seen her!

    I can see her out of every one of my windows!

    It is the same woman, I know, for she is always creeping, and most women do not creep by daylight.

    I see her in that long shaded lane, creeping up and down. I see her in those dark grape arbors, creeping all around the garden.

    I see her on that long road under the trees, creeping along, and when a carriage comes she hides under the blackberry vines.

    I don’t blame her a bit. It must be very humiliating to be caught creeping by

    daylight!

    I always lock the door when I creep by daylight. I cant do it at night, for I know

    John would suspect something at once.

    And John is so queer now that I don’t want to irritate him. I wish he would take

    another room! Besides, I dont want anybody to get that woman out at night but

    myself.

    I often wonder if I could see her out of all the windows at once. But, turn as fast as I can, I can only see out of one at one time. And though I always see her, she may be able to creep faster than I can turn! I have watched her sometimes away off in the open country, creeping as fast as a cloud shadow in a wind.

    If only that top pattern could be gotten off from the under one! I mean to try it, little by little.

    I have found out another funny thing, but I shant tell it this time! It does not do to

    trust people too much.

    There are only two more days to get this paper off, and I believe John is beginning to notice. I dont like the look in his eyes.

    And I heard him ask Jennie a lot of professional questions about me. She had a very good report to give.

    She said I slept a good deal in the daytime.

    John knows I don’t sleep very well at night, for all I’m so quiet!

    He asked me all sorts of questions, too, and pretended to be very loving and kind. As if I couldnt see through him!

    Still, I dont wonder he acts so, sleeping under this paper for three months. It only interests me, but I feel sure John and Jennie are affected by it.

    Hurrah! This is the last day, but it is enough. John is to stay in town over night, and wont be out until this evening.

    Jennie wanted to sleep with methe sly thing; but I told her I should undoubtedly rest better for a night all alone.

    That was clever, for really I wasn’t alone a bit! As soon as it was moonlight and

    that poor thing began to crawl and shake the pattern, I got up and ran to help her.

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