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RAIDER STYLE - Wits Student Home

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RAIDER STYLE - Wits Student HomeWits,Home,wits,home,WITS,WiTS

BEWARE! This newsletter contains material that may be offensive to sensitive

    wankers with no sense of humour. If you are one of these orosing lefielo‟s from

    EOHELL, DAVID WANKSTER HALL, PUNK TOWN VILLAGE 1 & 2, GAYNATO HALL, or NOCANDO HALL DO NOT READ THIS!

    IF YOU ARE A CHICK FROM JUBES, FUNNYSIDE & WHORES EXCLUDED from CAMPUS WEC(JCE) DO NOT READ THIS!

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, IF YOU TURN OVER AND YOU GET OFFENDED, GO COMPLAIN TO YOUR MOTHER.

    ? COPYRIGHTED OFFICIAL NEWS LETTER OF MENS HALL OF RESIDENTS 2005 MAY EDITION

     1

    EDITORS NOTE

I am happy to present to you the first RAIDER STYLE for the year 2005. It‟s

    been a long hard year thus far, but with the assurance of the new house comm and the promise of our editorial team, I guarantee you that this year will

    be nothing short of pure fun and entertainment, which will make it yet the most

    memorable in the history of raider style. The purpose of this issue is for the

    pleasure of raiders but if it so happens that the contents of this issue do

    offend anybody, please do not hesitate to bring it to my attention.

RAIDER STYLE EDITOR: Yaw Yeboah-Asuamah: yaw@webmail.com

SUB-EDITORS‟ NOTES

    I know you had been eating your Let me just thank the raiders who hearts out for this 1 hell of good have made it possible 4 this edition news latter, hope now you can all 2 come out. Ambrose, ntwana

    breath normally, I have to say that being the chairman of the Ents

    It was a good feeling editing and Comm doesn‟t automatically

    compiling this piece of sheet I hope guarantee you likuku! Ask Ish

    u will enjoy it. If u were rafed don‟t vuk’uzenzele” I aint got issues

    feel offended „coz u know that u did ntwana „practise what you preach,

    not submited articles. And don‟t stwatwa.

    come rushing to me I DID NOT… Supa guluva, blackface…Smitcho:

     loxionsmitcho@yahoo.com But if you decide to come (not cum)

     please be warned that I will be

    waiting for you with a knobkerrie. I would like to tank again all raiders M.C. the „Danger View man‟ who submitted their articles. Please (excuse me! its De ja vu) thanx 4 blame the messenger, we are only your masiv‟ poem. Isaac or Izagg putting down what we got. Ga

    „Minister of Love Affairs‟. where are senna ke le rafileng ke your fellow the articles you promised us… I raiders,

    just can‟t wait for ever some things but, only complaints should be

    have to go with out you. and „you brought to my attention so that I self elected‟ Ant Comm Ambrose u can ruff you in the next edition for escaped from the interview we „ll being letswae.

    get you „one slinyana day‟. Signing out Vusi a.k.a. Mr.

    Til next 1. NGCEBOLUTION 2005: Packman:

    abramvusi@yahoo.com icecream@webmail.co.za

     Ey bafwethu!

     2

    HOUSE COMMITTEE MEMBERS

    CHAIRPERSON : Brain Mayekiso

    VICE-CHAIRMAN : Buchule Jack

    TREASURER : Itumeleng Mokhothu

    SECRETARY : Tshele Sebutsoe

    LIASON OFFICER/ :Yaw Yeboah-Asuamah EDUCATIONAL OFFICER/

    CULTURAL OFFICER

    SPORTS OFFICER : Mahlomola Mabala

    ENTERTAINMENT OFFICER : Khayelihle Muthwa

    ENTERTAINMENT COMMITTEE MEMBERS

Ambrose Ndlovu

Ishmael (Ish) Lekhu

Tshediso (X) Sehume

Andile “Manqoba” Ntshalintshali

Phumlani Mqadi

Phumlani Ngubane

Sandile Myeza

    FOOD COMMITTEE MEMBERS

Sethu Mazubane NC 225

    Sylvester Msepa ND 133

    Mzwandile Ntobela OC149

    Degratia Kusemamuriwo NC218

     3

    the changes you have brought since the

    THE CHAIRMANS beginning of your term as Chairman?

    ANS: B.M. My friend I have to first say that

    INTERVIEW the previous House Comm. did a lot, actually

    they are my role modmodels…we took off

    from where they left. Left. Ok we had two NGCEBOLUTION (NL.): Hola chairman!

    functions and they we were „disappointing Thanx for your time and for having us in your

    ones‟ (braai and sports day), because people flat.

    didn‟t attended! With the braai, raiderz just BRAIN MAYEKISO (B.M.): sure mfana

    booked at the dinning hall to eat with Ciderz. ngi grand (I‟m Ok)…you are welcomed.

    Q: NL.(intervening) aha! With Funnysiderz?

    Q: Can you tell us a bit about the ANS: B.M. ja! What ever. (he

    proceeds)… you cannot satisfy chairman? Who is the Chairman?

    everyone. But so far we have brought ANS: (stretching himself) Well…my

    changes to men‟s res. We fought for a full name is Brian Siphiwe Mayekiso…

    Tuck shop and tried to accommodate all I‟m an open person, I don‟t

    sports, to make everybody participate in discriminate, I‟m reasonable. I like

    something for the res, (e.g. cricket.) joking, entertaining people… just a fun

    We do this in the attempt to bring back loving person… I‟m a good listener and

    the spirit of RAIDERHOOD to Men‟s Res. a negotiator.

    Q: NL. So chairman…concerning the Q: NL. So Brain, How do you feel about changes you are still working on, how are being a chairman? you planning to bring about these changes? ANS: B.M. Basically It depends on For example you mentioned bringing back how you view it…first of all I don‟t the spirit of raiderhood…. your starting panic I take things as they come, I am a point… member of the House Comm at all… Its ANS: B.M. first of all the management somehow time costly having to attend must look at us in a more approachable management meetings and do your manner and not see us as barbaric but academic work at the same time and it treat us with respect. However we have requires patience, qualities…but it is resolved the above issue „coz now we fine. have managed to come to common understanding with them. If we complain, Q: N.L. what are the changes you wanted they respond. Basically there are lot of to bring as a new Chairman OR what are changes to make but it takes time to

    implement them for instance the

     4

    maintenance is very slow…, they went out of the way if need arise just for

    concerning the dinning hall issue, Raiders, they preserved a lot, standing

    there is slight improvement, we together for us, focused, and fought for more

    now get the likes of Coca Cola not issues for us even to the extent of talking

    Pepsi and with the understanding with a Vice Chancellor for the love of the

    that something‟s cannot be RES… perseverance…I like that

    changed „coz the dinning hall staff word…perseverance.

    is paid by the University…u know,

    we are trying to have juices on Q: What are you dealing with at the moment

    supper. Games are back and s’fun’ukwazi ndoda’?

    raiderz are still complaining…that B.M.: Exams are coming now, so we need to

    the games are boring …we cant concentrate there but we‟ll be planning for

    chose the games only the supplier events for the second semester after the

    chooses what games to bring we exams, the likes of Wardens Cup, Miss Mens

    don‟t have a choice….people will Res…

    never be satisfied. Q: (Laughing) Aahh! Q: NL. And how are you keeping up ANS:….sports tour, cultural day and the with the challenges you set up and computer lab as well… the promises you made to the raiders Q: (NL.(coughing) Thanx chairman, now when they voted for you last year? the mormost interesting one, winter is also ANS: B.M. (smiling) the challenges are coming, whawhat sort of an advice can kind of accomplished now the you give the raidraiders?… u know management could respect us. (smiling) ANS: ehe! (also smiling) People must

    Q: Ndoda s’tshele a bit about the new buy tracksuits and more blankets. Ja house Com. Recruits. „coz there is no other solution. But for ANS: the new house Com. members those individuals… they must are Muthwa and Yaw (entertainment associate themselves with Sunnyside, and liason officer respectively). I‟m in order to escape buying more pretty impressed with them, actually blankets…

    they surprised me, for instance they

    went an extra mile… organizing the Q: (interrupting) Oh! you mean, … sports day and this Raider style instead of having „a blanket which have (respectively). eyes‟? ANS: (laughing)… another thing people Q: Now, with the vice Chairman, …what must condomise „coz the birth-rate is

    happened on that position? very high during winter and stop ANS: (lighting his cigarate) Ok Jack watching e-tv on Saturday nights … go took over since you know that this to Jubs or Sunnyside use that time for position was vacant, so it was a matter that matter.

    of negotiations with in the house com.

    That if some one wants to move to

    another position can move, then I was NL. Now tell us How often does your chick a bit hesitant about Jack leaving the come over and how long does she stays? entertainment department but it has to B.M. (smiling) Ah ah! uthanda izindaba

    happen. Now he is impressive. (u are nosy), that‟s for us to know how

     long does she stays but yena, she

    Q: So chairman what did you learn from comes if we are in talking terms…if we

    are not arguing or fighting and if she is the from your predecessor and what ideas

    not doing her school work… if she‟s did you adopt from him?

    ANS: Basically as I stated before the got time.

    previous house com. really inspired me.

    They were people who had a heart,

     5

    Are you making them rent the room for I WANNA KNOW studies or what?

I wanna know what‟s going on with Married in Community of Meals

    this thing of some raiders doing Have you realized that X‟s wife only everything (Eating in the dining hall, comes during mealtimes to visit her taking showers, studying chilling, “husband”, after that they lock themselves watching porn, etc.) in groups of in the room for 3 minutes then off she two. This question is directed to the goes. Tomorrow…same story. This is

    following couples: 1. Mzizi/sethu, 2. becoming a food-mothaolo affair. X gets Solly/X, 3. Bonginkosi/Mnaka, 4. putra & she gets Dining Hall Food. I‟m Mawilla/Foza, 5.Bamuza/KG. Tell surprised because she also has meals. us guys-What do you do behind But I heard her complaining about the closed doors & curtains?I wanna quantity. Now it all makes sense: “Food know. for putra”. O nja, X.

I wanna know why Bamuza never Escort Services

    ever talks to or about women, let Tired of walking your chick to Res. or to alone show any signs of even the Bus after mothaolo? Yes….Don‟t‟ thinking of women. Or are you worry! Dei‟s escort service is here to do it contesting for Nngovia of the year for you, free of charge! Ask a satisfied with competitors like Mzwandile, client - David :”Ja,, he‟s very helpful, I am and Pule? medical student and sometimes very busy,

     so I normally don‟t have enough time, so

    I wanna know how Mahlatse, I just call dei to walk my chick, He‟ll just irrespective of being a hopeless be happy that he walked with a chick”.

    failure when it comes to chicks, still

    has perseverance of working hard

    to impress. Phla! If I were you I Foza‟s Complaint

    would have long given up. Raiders, this complaint is from Foza that

     he‟s sick and tired of signing in guys who I wanna know how the hell scrotty are visiting some of the raiders in college. got a chick last year. Or ngwana na He says the ration of chicks-guys visiting lahlile? is 1-100 in a week, and this is becoming

     irritating for him. The raider who signs in I wanna know who hypnotised the most guys is CiDer(NC102), signing in Tumi to convince him that Kuku an average of 11 guys per day. The ena le Lenaka. house-Com has then decided to limit the

     signing in of men to 1 a month in case I wanna know why the guy in ND30 your dad pays you a visit.

    is always wearing a cap. Even

    when he takes a shit and when he 2004 House Com Election Circus goes to the shower? It was a real circus indeed. With most time

     chowed by Chris(Dadaman) because he I wanna know what Mzwandile kept stuttering for the whole night. One does after watching porn since he clown didn‟t even know what he was doesn‟t have a chick. campaigning for except that he wanted to

     give bursaries to Raiders. Who knows I wanna know how a human can maybe he‟s Motsepe‟s son-He would

    (Maxhoba) look just like a baboon have been incredibly stupid, if not stupid, except that he isn‟t as hairy as it. if he thought he‟d use the house-com

     funds since they cant even pay for one I wanna know why Page brings a student. Overall they were fine except chick to the room only to leave her people like Freedom saying raiderhood is in the room & come chill with guys.

     6

    hood and Muthwa promising are doing their final years without even at raiders tracksuits. You are in least going on one date. This is frustrating! House-com now, where‟re our What are freshmen going to do then? tracksuits

    Proverb of the day

    We didn‟t forget Too much hard-work with no kuku made Wena,Mr. Muscle and Shati, you Mahlatse a skinny boy.

     promised stripers last time when

    you wanted our votes for Ents. DID U KNOW Com. Where are they. Shati ke Lefielo, Period!

    Did u know that mzwandile the man This man is a true definition of lefilo,

    who used to carry a bag with him and not only did he have Tupac‟s cd‟s thwear an ugly Bennie last year knows in Sepedi since English was his 4

    every porno site? According to reliable language, but he was so addicted

    sources they heard him saying that the to beer that he‟d choose it over

    many more that they show on e-tv yena a kuku. Apparently, they say he once

    yimubhonyelisi yena he wants the hot sent a chick to the dining-hall to get

    stuff sa go computing. him breakfast in bed. Despite the

     chick not returning until the

    Did u know that bamuza and degratia following day, He was still in bed

    (mugabe ) are virgins apparently de have for 24 hours waiting for breakfast in

    neva seen a bunji. bed.

    Mr. Muscle,What? Did you know that the reason that Despite being voted as the most raiders fc are losing almost all their games muscular man in Men‟s Res, sorry, is because that cheesboy from pkv called I mean muscular among those who my king is claiming that men‟s res were competing, he still hasn‟t got management are not paying him a chick. He‟s also finishing this year enough .How dare u claim not to be paid without having even one date. His because gathuso ukthengele amateki not the only one, a lot of Raiders (sneakers) anyuwane ne cellphone ensha.

     7

proceeded to SHOUT AND CAUSE A

    SCENE. He convinced them to leave. They then came back to drop of a NOTE. This particular NOTE said: “YOU MESSED AROUND WITH THE

    WRONG CHICKS, WE GONNA KILL

    YOU”. He was scared for about 3 weeks. Hahahaha. TRUE STORY.

    Story by The Jackal

    MENS RES SMACKDOWN

    Contestant No 1: Tumi “Naki” Mokhothu

    Contestant No 2: Ishmael “Borat” Lekhu

    It was a long weekend and MAN-V had just left after finishing his INTERNET 101 diploma (With Distinction). We were going to Jack‟s house in Bryanston (with a tennis court and a swimming pool with a waterfall). We first went to Club 88 in

    Norwood. Contestant No 1 started

    fighting with Contestant No 2 and CONTESTANT NO 1 STARTED BLEEDING. Sonor proceeded to get

    BITCH!! WHERE IS chicks for everyone. In the car Contestant No 1 started asking who THEBE “THE GENERAL”

    made him bleed. Jack told him it was Ish and they then proceeded to fight at the Having his girlfriend from Bloem SHADIEST PLACE in the world BEER “The General” did not expect the GARDEN in Randburg (Friday is a free events that unfolded that night would STRIP SHOW for those interested).We ever happen to anyone. Some stopped them. They then proceeded to couple of females from “The 11 fight again when we got to JACK‟S Floors of Women Building” called house with the CHICKS in full view. The General so one of them could They carried on with this for about an come over for a visit. With his hour with the TALL CJ (Mr. De Lange) girlfriend from Bloem in his room he being the referee: “No biting but hitting could have none of that. He then told on the head is allowed though…” the one who wanted to visit he was Between screams of “He‟s biting” and “I busy. She was persistent but he don‟t want to fight anymore” we carried continued to deny her access. These on enjoying the company of females. chicks then decided to visit by force. One of the girls asked: “Are they They found his girlfriend in his room practicing for a tournament”. It was the while he was watching TV. The funniest thing ever. What do we learn famous question then came “BITCH from this „incident‟ WERE IS THEBE”. His girl from Bloem shocked as ever went to go

    call “The General”. These girls then

     8

; Contestant No 1 is stronger

    than Contestant No 2

    ; No more alcohol for „Naki‟

    and „Borat‟

    ; No sex for a ridiculously long

    time does this to someone

    ; Don‟t take people from small

    towns to the SURBUBS

    ; Choose your friends carefully

    by size, shape and height if

    possible

    ; Omo didn‟t work on Borat‟s

    jersey as it normally does on

    TV

    Story by Mr. Devero

    Horny Farmer

    Lewis, the farmer, ordered a high-tech

    milking machine. Since the equipment

    arrived when his wife was out of town,

    he decided to test it on himself first. So,

    he inserted his penis into the equipment,

    turned the switch on and everything else

    was automatic.

    Soon, he realized that the equipment

    provided him with as much pleasure as

    his wife did. When the fun was over,

    though, he quickly realized that he

    couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find

    any useful information. He tried every

    button on the instrument, but still without

    success. Finally, Lewis decided to call

    the supplier's Customer Service Hot

    Line.

    "Hello, I just bought a milking machine

    from your company. It works fantastic,

    but how do I remove it from the cow's

    udder?"

    "Don't worry," replied the customer

    service rep, "The machine will release

    automatically once it's collected two

    gallons."

     9

    Chairman the second woman. "You get the shivers Brian (Chairman) goes to his doctor and shakes and you get pains in all your and says, "Doc, I have a problem. fingers and toes. But, eventually, it's a My girlfriend is sleeping over this very calm way to go. You get very numb Friday, my ex-girlfriend is sleeping and just sort of go to sleep. How did you over this Saturday and my Jubes-die?"

    girlfriend is coming to the flat on "I had a heart attack," says the first Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to woman. "You see, I knew my lousy satisfy them all." husband was cheating on me, so one The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. pills 3 nights in a row is pretty I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him dangerous for a man of your age. I alone, watching TV. I ran down to the will give them to you on the condition basement but no one was hiding there that you return to my office on either. I ran up to the second floor, but Monday so that I can check you out." no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast Brian says "You have a deal, Doc." as I could up to the attic. Just as I got Monday morning he returns with his there, I had a massive heart attack and arm in a sling. The doctor asks died."

    "What happened?" Poor Brian says: The second woman shakes her head. "Nobody showed up!" "That's so ironic," she says.

     "What do you mean?" asks the first Old Man woman.

    An 85-year old man goes to his The second woman tells her, "If you had doctor and says, "Doc, I have a only stopped to look in the freezer, we problem. My girlfriend is sleeping would both still be alive."

    over this Friday, my ex-wife is

    The Bartender and the Hobo sleeping over this Saturday and my

    wife is coming home Sunday. I need A bartender is shutting up for the night three Viagra pills to satisfy them all." when there is a knock at the door. The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra He answers the door and there's a bum pills 3 nights in a row is pretty asking him for a toothpick. The barkeep dangerous for a man of your age. I gives him one and shuts the door. will give them to you on the condition After a few moments, there's another that you return to my office on knock at the door.

    Monday so that I can check you out." The bartender opens it again to find yet The man says "You have a deal, another bum. Another request for a Doc." toothpick. The bartender gives the bum Monday morning the man returns one and shuts the door again. with his arm in a sling. The doctor There's then a THIRD knock on the door. asks "What happened?" The old man This time, though, the bum only wants a says: "Nobody showed up!" straw.

     "Why not a toothpick?" asks the Two Women in Heaven bartender?

    Two women were waiting to get into "Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but the Pearly Gates of Heaven when all of the good stuff is gone already!"

     they struck up a conversation.

    Diseased Penis "How did you die?", the first woman

    asked the second. Bob goes to a public restroom and sees "I froze to death," said the second. this armless guy just standing there. "That's awful," said the first woman. "Hey, buddy. Can you help me out?" the "How does it feel to freeze to death?" guy asks.

    "It's very uncomfortable at first," says Bob, being a kind soul, agrees. He pulls

     10

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