By Gloria Russell,2014-06-17 23:38
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Written for the 2004 Washington State Access to Justice Conference

    By Marla Elliott, Joan Fairbanks, Pat McIntyre, and Bob Welden


    Lee G. Slator

    2 Lovely Assistants

    Human Services Coalition:

    Dr. Heythere Kiddo

    Rent Goodplace

    Sister Mary Pitiful

    Public Accommodations Consortium:

    Catchum Young

    Lotta Busantrucks


    Justice Team:

    Judge Euell Payit

    Miranda Wright

    Lee Gelneeds

    Men in Black (MIB)

    Supreme Council Chief

    Other Supreme Council members


    Prop list:

    6 cell phones

    strings of moolah shells

    large dummy of Influential Unnamed Personage

    buzzer or bell

    Drums for Supreme Council

    palm leaves


    petitions on clipboards

    2 large baskets

    Musical Numbers:

    Opening theme (James Bond theme)band “I-Man” (to the tune of Soul Man)I-Man Relay race music (Mississippi Rolling Stone?)band

    “Sister Pitiful” (to the tune of Mr. Pitiful)Sister Mary Pitiful

    “Everybody‟s Crying Justice” (to the tune of Everybody’s Crying

    Mercy)Lee Gelneeds & the justice team

    “We‟re Gonna Wash That I-Man Out Of Our Hair” (to the tune of I’m

    Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair)Lotta and


    “Vote” (to the tune of Think)Sister Mary Pitiful and the whole cast

     - 1 -

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 2 of 8

(Setting: an outline of the Capitol Dome in the background. Palm trees and

    tiki torches surround it. Band plays thrilling intro music [James Bond theme?]

    Enter LEE G. SLATOR with microphone Stage R.)

LEE G. SLATOR: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to

    “Survivor: the Justice Challenge”. I‟m your host Lee G. Slator! This is

    our season finale coming to you LIVE from the beautiful and exotic Isle

    of Oly! Our team members have been struggling all session to get

    enough coconuts for the next biennium. We‟re coming down to the

    wire now, and we have just three teams left. They‟ve been living in

    primitive tents behind the Governor‟s Mansion for the last two months.

    They‟ll be competing today for their very survival. Our first team is

    the Human Services Coalition. Let‟s meet those survivors! (Enter Dr.


    exhausted.) First, our health care advocate, pediatrician and hanglider

    Dr. Heythere Kiddo!

DR. KIDDO: Hi there Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: Next up is Rent Goodplace. He supports affordable housing

    and wrestles alligators for fun! How are you doing, Rent?

RENT: I‟m holding in there, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: and finally, carrying the torch for family safety issues we

    have Sister Mary Pitiful! Sister, are you ready to slug it out for all the


    SISTER MARY (barely holding it together but game): I‟m as ready as I‟ll ever

    be, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: now let‟s meet their competitors! They did very well in the

    last round and I know they have a lot of support from the viewers at

    home. Welcome the Public Accommodations Consortium!! (Enter


    looking & energetic). First, representing Education, we have Bali H‟ai

    school district superintendent Catchum Young! In his spare time he‟s a

    philatelist! How‟s it going, superintendent?

CATCHUM: Bring it on, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: That‟s the attitude! Our second team member is seeking

    affordable transportation alternatives in the I-5 corridor but makes

    personal appearances as the Starbucks Mermaid—here‟s Lotta


LOTTA: Ready to keep on truckin‟, Lee!

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 3 of 8

LEE G. SLATOR: and our final team member, popular consumer advocate and

    initiative sponsor The I-Man!

    I-MAN: We‟re going all the way this time, Lee! Let me tell you about it.

     (Sings to the tune of “Soul Man”)

    I was brought up to get my way

    And I‟m changing laws almost every day

    I don‟t care how much you fume and fret

    „Cause no one‟s ever stopped me yet

    I‟m the I-Man

    I‟m the I-Man

    I‟m the I-Man

    I‟m the I-Man

    LEE G. SLATOR: Thanks for sharing, I-Man. Now let‟s start the Challenge.

    Remember, the winning team will keep their coconuts and stay in the

    budgetthe losing team will have one member line-item vetoed!

    Today you‟ll be running the Lobbying Relay race. Starting over there

    in Ulcer Gulch, the first leg of our relay will be to leave voice mail for

    every state senator whose district borders include the I-90 corridor!

    Then, you must run over to this Influential Unnamed Personage

    (LOVELY ASSISTANTS bring on and hold up dummy with big pockets)

    and line his pockets with those valuable moolah shells you‟ve been

    trying so hard to collect (shows string of shells). Finally, while carrying

    your cell phone between your knees, run as fast you can to the front

    of the stage and start whining! Whoever gets their whole team there

    first and whines the loudest wins the challenge! Get readyset your

    cell phones on speed dialand GO!

(Frantic music as ALL 6 CONTESTANTS dial and jabber, dial and jabber, then

    move on to stuff dummy’s pockets. HUMAN SERVICES TEAM has barely enough shells. I-MAN has MIB handing him shells from front of stage,

    unnoticed by anyone else onstage. PUB AC. TEAM makes it to hearing first,

    starts howling and whining before HUM. SERV. gets all their people there. )

LEE G. SLATOR: and it looks like this round goes to Public Accommodations!

    Congratulations, you get to keep your coconuts! Human Services,

    something‟s gotta give—who‟s it gonna be? Here comes the Supreme

    Council to decide!

(Enter SUPREME COUNCIL, to the beat of drums. They stand along the back

    of the stage, solemn, arms folded. Exit LOVELY ASSISTANTS with dummy.)

    KIDDO: But we can‟t do without health care!

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 4 of 8

    RENT: What good is health care if you‟re homeless?

(SUPREME COUNCIL all point at Sister Mary)

    SISTER MARY: so that‟s how it‟s going to be, huh?

     (sings to the tune of “Mr. Pitiful”)

     Vote out Sister Pitiful

     Give me all the blame now

     Vote out Sister Pitiful

     And go on with the game

     Nobody seems to understand

     That families need funding too

     So vote out Sister Pitiful

     I‟ll say goodbye to you.

(SISTER MARY exits L. RENT & KIDDO sigh, look at each other with resigned

    determination, exit R. SUPREME COUNCIL fold arms & stand silent. )

LEE G. SLATOR: Well, we‟ll miss Sister Mary Pitiful, but in a game like this

    somebody‟s got to lose! All right, Public Accommodations! Are you

    ready to meet the next challenge? Now you‟re going up against the

    famous Justice team, and you know they are tough! (enter JUDGE

    PAYIT, MIRANDA WRIGHT, & LEE GELNEEDS.) Let‟s meet them now.

    First, our advocate for court administration. He‟s got a black belt in

    bull riding. All rise for the Honorable Judge Euell Payit!

JUDGE PAYIT: ready to rule, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: our second justice team member has been trying for years

    to get adequate funding for public defense. In her spare time she‟s a

    volunteer zookeeper. Please welcome advocate Miranda Wright!

MIRANDA: Happy to be making my first appearance here, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: and finally, from the civil access to justice community,

    board chair, appellate counsel, and professional schnorrer, Lee


LEE GELNEEDS: It‟s all about the team, Lee!

LEE G. SLATOR: For our second challenge today, each team will have to

    draft and collect signatures for a grassroots initiative! After writing out

    your initiative on a piece of coconut leaf, you then must get signatures

    from all the monkeys, parrots, and zebras here on the Isle of Oly.

    Your signature petitions have to fill these baskets. (Enter LOVELY

    ASSISTANTS, who set out 2 large wicker baskets) Are you ready? On

    your mark! Go!

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 5 of 8

    (Both teams run to coconut leaves. While JUSTICE TEAM, LOTTA, &

    CATCHUM start writing with chalk on coconut leaf, I-MAN signals to MIB, who

    hand him completed initiative. He shows it to LOTTA & CATCHUM, who are

    thrilled and hand it back. MIB then run back in, hand I-MAN clipboards with

    signatures on palm leaves. He gives MIB moolah shells and they sneak off.

    LOTTA & CATCHUM do not notice the MIB, but SUPREME COUNCIL nudge

    each other, point, & murmur disapprovingly. I-MAN presents clipboards to

    LOTTA & CATCHUM, who are thrilled. I-MAN, LOTTA & CATCHUM fill their

    entire basket with petitions while JUSTICE TEAM is still struggling and has

    only one clipboard. I-MAN, LOTTA & CATCHUM run to LEE G. SLATOR with

    basket to claim victory.)

LEE G. SLATOR: And it looks like the winner once again is Public

    Accommodations! (LOVELY ASSISTANTS present SUPREME COUNCIL

    with baskets, then exit L. SUPREME COUNCIL members review the

    contents of the baskets.) Justice team, ironically enough, it looks like

    justice demands that you must now face the Supreme Council.

    LEE GELNEEDS (to MIRANDA and JUDGE PAYIT): I can‟t believe we have to

    sacrifice one of us! Just when we finally had the data from the civil

    legal needs study!

MIRANDA: but public defense has already been cut to the bone! And what

    about court administration?

JUDGE PAYIT: our budget is already way below our minimum needs!

    LEE GELNEEDS: Wait a minute! There‟s nothing just about the way this is

    being decided! Why should we have to make this kind of sacrifice?

    And why should the human services team be forced out, too? We

    should file an appeal!

     (He sings to the tune of “Everybody’s Crying Mercy”)

     We can‟t believe the things we‟re seeing

     Got doubts about the things we‟ve heard

     Everybody‟s crying “justice”

     When they don‟t know the meaning of the word

     A bad enough situation

     Is sure enough getting worse

     Everybody‟s crying “justice”

     Just as long as they get theirs first

     Everybody‟s crying “justice‟

     When nobody knows the meaning of the word.

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 6 of 8

    LEE G. SLATOR: You want to appeal? I‟m afraid you don‟t understand how

    this game works. These are the rules!

JUDGE PAYIT: Oh, we understand the rules, all right! That‟s exactly why we

    want to appeal! These rules are fundamentally unfair, exclusionary and


SUPREME COUNCIL CHIEF: (big reverb on mike, raises hand solemnly) And

    we will grant their appeal. However, even before we hear their

    arguments, we must disallow the outcome of this particular challenge.

    In reviewing these petitions, we noticed that, even though there are

    only seven zebras on the island, the public accommodations team

    claims to have the hoofprints of at least three hundred and twenty-

    three zebras. There seem to be similar distortions in the proportions

    of registered parrots and monkeys. We therefore must disqualify this

    entire basket of petitions.

CATCHUM: Disqualified? How could that be? Who would do such a thing?

LOTTA: Look at him! It was I-Man! I-Man, what did you do?

I-MAN: (shrugs) So I threw a little moolah around. What‟s wrong with that?

CATCHUM: you mean you threatened the integrity of our cause for venal

    short-term selfish gain?

LOTTA: You are so outta here!

    LOTTA AND CATCHUM: (sing to the tune of “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair)

    We‟re gonna wash that I-Man out of our hair

    We‟re gonna wash that I-Man out of our hair

    We‟re gonna wash that I-Man out of our hair

    And send him on his way

    We‟re gonna vote that I-Man offa this isle

    We‟re gonna vote that I-Man offa this isle

    We‟re gonna vote that I-Man offa this isle

    And we won‟t let him play!

LEE G. SLATOR: all right, I-Man, you heard the team. You‟ve been voted off

    the island!

LEE GELNEEDS: Now wait a minute, that‟s another problem. We can‟t just

    be voting people off the island. Where are they gonna go? Idaho?

MIRANDA: That‟s right! We can‟t let I-Man abuse the system, but we can‟t

    just pretend he‟s not there either.

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 7 of 8

(Enter the EXECUTIVE, escorted by the LOVELY ASSISTANTS.)

EXEC: they‟re right!

JUDGE PAYIT: Wait a minute, who are you?

EXEC: You can just call me the Executive. Since you already had ample

    representation here from the Legislative and Judicial branches, I

    figured if anyone was going to be able to pull off a deus ex machina, it

    would be me. So I took the liberty of inviting the Human Services

    team back, too.

(Enter KIDDO, GOODPLACE, & SISTER MARY. They are welcomed by all other

    contestants except I-MAN.)

LEE G. SLATOR: You think you can just take over our show?

    EXEC: I‟m here to remind you all that in a real community, you can‟t just

    get rid of the people you disagree withyou have to find ways to work

    it out together!

LEE G. SLATOR: yes, but what about our ratings? What about all our viewers?

EXEC: maybe we all need to realize that this isn‟t a reality show—this is

    reality! People need to put down the remote control and get involved

    in the political process. This is an election year—we‟ve got important

    work to do! We can have a fair and just political process that doesn‟t

    depend on special interests, moolah shells, noise or whining. But if

    we‟re going to do that, we‟ve got to get everyone involved and get

    them to vote for justice.

    LEE G. SLATOR: How could I have been so short-sighted? Of course you‟re

    right. And it IS an election year!

SUPREME COUNCIL CHIEF: For once, we completely agree with the

    legislative and executive branches. (to SISTER MARY) Sing it for us,


    SISTER MARY: (sings to the tune of “Think”, with call & response from whole group)

     You better vote (Vote)

     Vote about all the things you want to see

     I said vote (Vote, vote)

     Vote to make a real democracy

    People walking around everyday

    Playing games and takin' scores

    Survivor: The Justice Challenge

    Page 8 of 8

    Tryin to make other people lose their funds

    Well be careful you don't lose yours

    You better vote (Vote)

     Vote about all the things you want to see

     I said vote (Vote, vote)

     Vote to make a real democracy

    You need me (need me)

    And I need you (need you)

    Without each other

    There ain't nothing we can do

    You better vote (Vote)

     Vote about all the things you want to see

     I said vote (Vote, vote)

     Vote to make a real democracy

     Oh Justice, (Justice), Justice, (Justice), justice, (Justice), freedom

     Oh Justice, (Justice), Justice, (Justice), justice, (Justice), freedom

    You better vote (Vote)

     Vote about all the things you want to see

     I said vote (Vote, vote)

     Vote to make a real democracy


    (Curtain Call)


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